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Am I the only one that wishes to turn off the voices...to close out the ugliness, to cast away memory? To stop the loathing and pain..? It's a ominous place, my head that is. Its like swimming in sand, after a while you would think to reach for a shimmering surface, you cant. You cant even hold your breath, it's a dark and deep bitter cold where nightmares and truth collide. And I wonder if death could unfold my fears...However thats just not my style. I prefer to crawl into a deep hole where no bad feelings can follow. Memories and feelings are tenuous things, like the end of a rainbow, or a camera with a fading lens...sometimes my focus is sharp, every detail, clear as droplets of water...other times it's hazy like a meadow of frost. Here in this world, it's like I'm here but I'm not at the same time, like someone cares, but they don't. Like I belong somwhere else, anywhere but here...The first time I tried to commit suicide it wasn't too bad. A subtle rend of anxious skin, a gentle pulse of crimson...just enough to hush the demons within my head. But they wont stop..howling inside like rabid dogs..just like my mother when she's in a bad way. Worst thing is, as I get older the more I see that I resemble her, falling in and out of the light. That day I actually thought of dying, so I gave myself to the knife, asking it to bite just a bit harder..to chew a little deeper, however the blade barely pierced my bone, not my heart. Physical pain isn't the worst thing in the world, at least you know you're not a shadow, darkening someones life, a silhouette thrust haphazardly into their lives...so I ask, does wanting to die equal losing your mind? It does sound insane, but it also seems courageous at the same time, not that I meant to cause anyone pain, just for them to realise that everyone has flaws, ESPECIALLY me. Hell, maybe being crazy is preferable to being strong...when you just want to break down and weep, but big girls don't cry, do they? So far everyone I met has been liars, everyone except Aidan,Cody,Kurtis, and vannah.*, my only true friends, my saviors...Never intentionally hurt me, never lied to me...Though the cloud that continues to viel my brain, colors everything crimson. I felt comfortable, dying that day, except my mother had walked in on me, the soft sheet looked scarlet within the mist of my blood. My left arm stitched, but scarred all the same..I want to scream, but I can't find my voice..lost in the darkness, hidden in the sea of sand that has swamped my brain. I feel relieved to admit a bit of what goes on in my head. Sometimes I think it might split, cracked by the upheaval bubbling beneath my skull, even when I seem like theres nothing troubling me, Im always thinking of the viel that shrouds my mind. Usually I keep spiraling deeper and deeper into the void, however whene Im with them, I feel like I'm invincible. ..I wish I were up there now, instead here I am treading this dark water in this damn black hole. I had tried to kill myself. to escape this living death. But all my madness is not on the inside, shadows come to rest upon the tangible world, why cant I live an ordinary life..? The funny thing is, the doctors still haven't diagnosed my manic, depressive behaviour..Now that I've opened this bottle of memories pouring out crimson and bittersweet, ignoring the throbbing ache within my head, I think back to my friend, he was always a sweet caring boy,Allen However, the day he died...I had gotten upset with him, oh how I regret what I said..and now Ill never have the chance to tell him I'm sorry, or that I love him. The official COD was DUI...probably drinking because of what I said..Which leads me to "him". He's like a falcon on the wing, and how I wish I could fly along...but my wings could never reach his..these broken, useless wings. Even his smile is wonderful, it's like...summer moonlight, beautiful and magical, with a fire that could melt the night...I try not to look back on my past, the unbearable things...I try to blot it out, scrub it out, RIP it out of my brain completely...but somethings you just can't forget, no matter how much you cut. Memories like those stalk you forever and creep up to maul you like a rabid dog when you least expect it..like now. I wonder, if there is a light, beyond the blackness of death. It may sound like a wierd soap opera to some...but It's what I dream, what I hope to ascend to. And hey, if I am wrong, nothing lost huh? It does comfort me to think that there may be something there after we close our eyes for the final time- a light to walk toward. I hope God understands why I tried to kill myself, and that he doesn't turn his back one day if I succeed. Surely thats better then being so pitiful in this existence, merely taking up space...

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