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Gawd, does Sean not understand - nor care!

I tell him not to do something. Then he gets very close to doing it. I don't want him to kiss me, because I am the type of person who might start liking someone after he kisses me. He basically kissed the side of my mouth, but not an entire kiss.. And the thing is... I can't love someone who can't love me back. That, and a good friend of mine likes him. Plus, I've had enough troubles as it is. So right now, I'm getting confused. Something I don't want.

I'm still heartbroken over two guys. Until I love another, and the one I love loves me back, I shall ever remain heartbroken. It still stings from all of them leaving me, others getting girlfriends within an hour, all the way to a week. And it hurts that at least one cheated on me. Is that the reason why it's so extremely easy for me to fall in love, but so damned hard to fall out of love?

I can't comprehend me cheating. If I tried, all I would see is blackness. Nothing. It's the same thing with leaving someone. I could never - nor would ever - see myself cheating. Ever. How can someone do that..? It's just something I can't understand in some way, and I know it's wrong.

At least I wouldn't ever do that to someone I love. Whether it be we get in a fight, or the relationship is either slow or fast. If I love someone.. There's is no tearing my heart or mind away from them. The only way that could ever happen is if they left me.. Well, actually.. No, that's false.. I would still think about lots of things.. Like if they were okay.. Are they happy, did they find someone else, etc. I can't get it out of my mind usually, and my heart aches so much. Yet I'm stupid and still hurt myself by doing that.. By trusting them so completely.

I don't know why I have to be so different. Maybe it's a good thing. But how can that matter when it's not like I'm going to find anyone. Yes, I'm so freakin' commited and loving to my lovers.. But not so much so that they'd be annoyed. So why is it that I'm left every time? Why was it that I was cheated on by the same guy at least three times, and too stupid to break up with the guy... When it was him who left me, too? I feel like such an idiot, but...

-sighs, and gets back to the main subject-

I just don't know what to do. Sean keeps pushing me, and pushing me. I'm too scared to stop him, and.. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is is that if I do start liking him, there's nothing I can do. Nothing I could do to make him love me. Nothing I could do to make the feelings go away. This would be worse than pure torture.. For I would inflict it upon myself. So many things tie me to just being his friend. One kiss, and it could ruin it all. And I'll feel bad because I would like someone my friend likes. I would loathe myself for a while; for liking him. For knowing all too well - maybe more than others - the reasons why he won't date, that he doesn't trust women. Already it saddens me, and scares the hell out of me that this could happen so easily.

This is going to drive me crazy... -puts arms around her head and sighs-