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so I left Gaia.
why?
Because of an Ex. see, I still had feelings for her, but i didn't want to admit it.
I was so confused, so scared... so unwilling to let go of what I had. so I burried my face in it and wondered if I wanted it.
well, I do want it.
and I don't want her. despite all I've felt, all I feel, she is not the one I want, not who I love.
I still haven't found closure. only time will bring that. but while I still have pain in my stomach, I look forward - look to a future I want more than anything else. with her.

but that's not going so well. we got into our first real fight today, and she won't talk to me. I'm one of those guys who likes to fix things right away, but i'm doing my best not to spam her with "I'm sorry" messages. I've got a lot of pent up emotions, all churning and burning, and she's why - she's mad at me. and I don't blame her. I can only try to not insult myself anymore.
Rikka - though you may never read this, I love you. I'm sorry for everything.
anyway, I finally got myself a Facebook, and i've been leaving my myspace alone. I really don't have the guts/heart to talk about much right now. I'm still really upset about everything, but whatever. I have a bad grade coming up, and I can't let my folks see it. so I'm gonna find it when it comes, and burn it before they find it. I'm doing my best to get these grades going. i just haven't been doing enough.
anyway, my journal is tweaking out, so i'mma go ahead and wrap this up. I'm back. and I'm still messed up - but i'm actually getting better.