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ok well, Monday...I spent all day just...cleaning the house and everything...Lately Rachel hasn't been doing any of the things she normally would have been, and so basically our house (and family) has gone to s**t...

idk if ive ever told you but sometimes I remind myself of a housewife thats pretty much what i was doing

I cant tell you how much laundry I did...cleaned the kitchen, dining room, bathroom, living room, my room, washed all the towels cuz we had no clean towells, fed the dogs, walked jack, and cooked dinner

why? because somebody had to

Rachel and dad started fighting...AGAIN...and everyone was pretty much like ******** IT and we all split up...i walked jack, raquel hung out in my room, chris in his, cassidy left to spend the night at a friends

I got home with jack at around 9:10...and Rachel still wasnt home, after a while we started to worry, so dad had me use his phone to text her and see if she was allright

apparently she was just out looking for free stuff that she had found listed on Craigslist, she asked if I wanted her to come and pick me up so that I could come too..I agreed, because then I could keep talking to Collin on the phone, and she needed to vent.

well, when she got here, she was completely ******** up, as her medicine tends to do to her, and dad kept trying to convince her not to go out because she didnt look like she was in any condition to drive

as we found out later, she wasnt

she kept driving waaaayy too slow, which is especially dangerous on the highway, she kept swerving all over the road and s**t, falling asleep at the wheel and was generally not able to stay in her lane

I must have saved us from crashing like three times, but shes not going to realize that, i doubt if she remembers half of last night

and she kept almost getting us lost, going the opposite way on one way streets and stuff, i had to keep directing her and stopping her from getting us lost, and bitching at her when she dozed off

The first two places we went to, were places whe had been to the day before, allready looked through the stuff, brought things home and everything...but did she remember any of it? no! her medicine ******** her up sooo bad and she is always losing blocks of time like that, to her, it was her first time being at those places

finally we find one in Missouri, and its just the shittiest neighboorhood ever, its like the bottoms of Columbus basically...by then it was one in the morning...and we get out of the car, and im watching her dig through this bigass pile of garbage on the curb...picking out clothes for us girls to wear...and all i could do was stand there holding a basket for her to put all this s**t in

I never thought I would see her like that

when we were done there, we headed off to another place in Missori that supposedly was going to have a bunch of free shoes.

I found out that Rachel is taking the vicoden again, she says that its different now, and that she has it under control, but theres no such thing, thats just like all the times mom has told us that shes an adult, its been two years, and she can handle just one drink

Then after a few failed attempts at finding some food, we were just gonna head to this place with the shoes...by then it was two and her driving was sooooo bad

almost crashing, swerving, and falling asleep left and right

we got pulled over because she was straddling the white lines, then she failed the feild sobriety test...I was watching her from the mirror on my side, trust me it was just something else to see you know? she could have gone to jail for failing the test...but the officer that pulled us over beleived that it was her medicine...especially since if she had any alcohol whatsoever in her body it would have showed up on the breathalizer.

so we had to call dad and wake him up, so him and chris could come and pick us up and take us home, we didnt get home untill three...we had to listen to even more fighting, and dad blew up at raquel for being on the phone

which really isnt that out of line considering....we all kinda got in a fight with the parents lol and then went to bed, dad had to call off of work the next day..JUST what we need

and again, tuesday, more fighting....Chris had to pick up cassidy from her friends house because rachel was still asleep she wouldn't even ******** talk to me even if im asking her if lasagna is ok for dinner or if she has any laundry she wants me to wash...I was cleaning all day again tuesday, made dinner too...i figure...if we cant have a civil family, we at least deserve a clean house, and dinner every night

and all of us (out of the kids anyway) feel like this isnt a family anymore

so yea, my world is s**t right now

Chris thinks that all us kids should have a sit-down with the parents, and tell them how we feel, but i think its only gonna lead to more problems, and its not our place to sit there and point out their problems like that, but then again, how else might they see them?

Cassidy might be the only one that doesnt see her mom in the same light that Raquel, Chris and I do, but then again, shes twelve, and shes always been the favorite by rachel

She thinks shes better than the rest of us because shes spoiled, has the most friends, is never in trouble, is the prettiest, and so on and so on....and she has such a ******** attitude lately, shes such a b***h, i just keep trying to remind myself that shes twelve

I dont know anymore. I just want to go home

and then later that tuesday night, I was downstairs folding laundry and talking to Collin on the phone...but then Raquel came down to my room and said that Rachel had started bitching at her and Cassidy...saying something to the extent of "So one of you girls told Jimmy I have a drug problem and I wanna know who the ******** it was!!" and I guess everyone was upstairs and the way she was describing things sounded like s**t was gonna hit the fan you know?

well I said goodbye to Collin and went up there but nothing really happened, except for Dad came out into the living room to sleep =[ poor guy.

Then wednesday there was more fighting...and when I was getting ready to cook dinner we had no food...so I had to have Chris take me to the store so I could buy some groceries...do you have any idea how hard is to buy enough groceries for a household of six to last a week with only sixteen dollars?

And Rachel just sat there on her fatass all day at the coputer puffing away at her ciggarettes and popping those pills...guzzling that pop like theres no tomorrow... there was one point when she came up to me while I was washing the dishes and said, "Raquel thinks I'm a drug addict because you've been cooking dinner the past few nights, isn't that retarded? You do it because you want to, not because I'm a drug addict!" I just had to hold my breath and bite my tounge you know? Because she still swears up and down that she has it under control now...WHATEVER

And when dad found out I had gone out and bought groceries, he was crushed, I felt so terrible, because I know its not my place to do that, but WE NEED FOOD...he tried to pay me back but he could only give me five dollars, thats how piss-poor we are. He gives Rachel like 100 dollars each week for groceries, but each week we end up having little to no food...because she wants to blow it all on stupid s**t.

She has this idea in her head that she can go find a whole bunch of free stuff on craigslist and then turn around and sell it in a yard sale to have money for our school clothes that we desprately need and ******** can't afford...so she keeps borowing al this money from dadso she can drive obscene distances to dig through ******** garbage and bring home only about two bucks worth of ******** c** BUBBLE!!!!

At one point Raquel had asked her how come you dont just take the money Jimmy gives you and spd it directly n the clothes and skip all those steps? and apparently rachel just slurred back to her a bunch of strewn together excuses....>rolls eyes< So apparently Raquel is poking around for odd jobs amngst her friend's famiies so she can have some money to buy her own damnclothes...I hope she does, it would be a very nice smack in the face for rachel =]

Oh no...am I getting a bit condescending? heh heh heh.....

Dad gave me a ride to pick up a few applications for Ihop wednesday, we turned those in thursday, and I hope I get the job so that I have the money around if need be that I need to go out and buy our ******** food again...even though I should be saving it or buyig dresses or some s**t like a normal teenage girl, NOT A ******** HOUSEWIFE!!!!!!

On Thursday...it was the same thing all over again...I started to cook some meatloaf for dinner....whichi always love to do because everybody LOVES my meatloaf and kinda hates Rachel's even though she's the one who taught me how to make it...heh heh heh....well...i changed the recipe a bit =]

Anyways...while i was in the middle of that Rachel asked me,"Whats with you lately Kayla? You've cooked dinner every day this week!" I couldn't help myself...I had to say...Well SOMEBODY'S gotta do it!....and she goes, "Well its not like I wouldn't..." then she slurred something else...then said I had gone and made her feel bad...and a couple minutes later she came in and cooked a couple cans of green beans to go with the meatloaf.

Then Friday, she ACTUALLY CLEANED HOUSE, COOKED DINNER AND BOUGHT GROCERIES!!!!! She was kind of a little ******** up...but she did all of that....so it really doesnt matter
dad took me to the DMV to get my temps but then we didn't have everything we needed...we'll go back tuesday...but at least i've got that book thing lol.

And Saturday, she went to the thrift store with dad and brought back clothes for everyone...so I thought, maybe she's doing better...but i doubt it. because she is still ******** up all the time, gets mad over stupid s**t still, STILL refers back to s**t that went down before we even MOVED here, and everytime she's talking to you, she still resembles some two year old thats just babbling on and on...she needs help, bad, she pissed herself the other night even...

Yesterday, Sunday, I went and spent the night with my friend Angela...and it was better...Apparently Mom had been on the phone with Rachel the majority of that day, I really don't even know what they were talking about...I'm pretty sure Mom is drinking again though...Anyways today we hung out at Angela's house little bit and then Rachel came by to pick me up and take me home

Not too long after we got home Dad decided that we were all going to go to Hot Topic and he was going to buy two pairs of jeans for each of us girls. Instantly I was just not looking forward to the trip at all. Its not like I hate shopping, and its not like I hate Hot Topic, because in fact I happen to REALLY like both, But I also seem to have the HARDEST time trying to find pants that fit me right...I have no idea what the hell is wrong with my body but apparently...I just CANNOT wear today's Jeans...

The only stuff thats out there is all this low-rise bullshit...and then when I find a pair of pants that do fit me amazingly...they're ******** MOM JEANS!!! So we sit there and we end up going to four different stores...and all the while I'm just getting more and more discouraged, because I feel like I'm just some HUGE annoyance to everyone else...just a big whiney waste of time...and I was making things way harder than they needed to be.

Rachel is ALWAYS saying I make things WAY too hard...so of course thats all I could focus on...

It was all I could not to burst into tears right there at the store. because I really do beleive i am that ugly...that I can't even wear the kind of jeans I want to. EVERY pair that I own either HURTS me, does not fit me, or looks like something someone dug out of the garbage! And its been like this for a while, I just never said anything because we always had more important stuff going on...

But dad...bless his heart...he was so patient =] and he kept standing behind the manequins that had no heads...taking pictures to look like it was him wearing a dress or whatever...he kept making me laugh...and I'm so happy for that =]

But the entire time we were at the mall, Rachel just bitched and bitched and bitched and bitched AND BITCHED!!! Nothing is ever good enough for her, she is just a greedy fat b***h and that is all she will ever be to me. She made these past three years of my life HELL!! And I know that she's in no way CLOSE to being done...

During the car ride home, she just kept wanting to comment on how dirty Chris was, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again talking about how dirty his hair looked and how he needed to clean up, and he just kept getting more and more agitated, and she just kept right on poking the bear...until eventually Chris snapped at her, and then she snapped back.

Next thing we know...They are in this HUGE-a** fight while we're driving down KS-7...and even Dad got into it, yelling and cussing at the top of his lungs trying to get them to calm down...and my dad NEVER yells...and RARELY cusses like how he was then..he even pulled over to the shoulder and stopped the car while they all fought it out, and then of course I got dragged into it....and there was just so much tension the rest of the way home, they kept fighting but it was just without the screaming.

But for those few minutes when we were stopped, pulled over on the shoulder of the highway....I wanted nothing more than to just open up my door and walk away from it all. I wanted to just walk right out in the middle of the road and get hit by a semi.

Oh and, did I mention that when all of this happened, Cassidy's friend was with us? Our family is so ******** up we can't even ACT civil in front of a GUEST!?!?

When we all got home everyone immediately split up. Rachel went to her room, Chris to his, I took Jack on a walk and Cassidy went walking with her friend. NOBODY wanted to be in that house. When I got back to the house Dad was leaving to get some pizzas...and I went with him because I was sooooo not ready to go back in that house.

While we were on our way, it came out that Rachel has made my life hell for the past three years...and he was shocked, he had no idea that I felt that way, why? Because I am a very patient and tolerable person...at least thats what I told him anyway...I also told him about how I plan on getting back to Ohio when I move out...

We're all home now...I have no idea how the rest of tonight is going to turn out...or tomorrow..I just want to give up on it all