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It makes me sick looking at you. I don't know why I can't stop talking to you if it makes me so unwell. When I feel your presence it's almost as if you suck all of the words from my mouth. I am compelled to speak until I collapse onto the bed from exhaustion. Battling you for my voice is utterly exhausting. So when people think it's strange that I want to sleep more than twelve hours a day, I can't understand how they don't see it. People say all the time that the eyes are the gateway to a person's soul or that they can tell so much about a person from their eyes, yet when I gaze into their eyes they don't perceive just how much of a mess I really am. I'm a mess.
When Chisai disappeared, Sakura focused herself on the destruction of Duality. So long as Duality is in the picture, there will be war. Duality is the bright future, my hope child, but Sakura is my passion. Though Duality has no grudge against Sakura, she refuses to apologize to Sakura or rather her apologizes cannot be accepted because they are not "sincere" enough. Personally, I can understand what is going on with Sakura. I'd rather take medication than explain the situation to my friends. I can't speak about those kinds of things anymore. I simply refuse to acknowledge them to others because if they are spoken, they are no longer secrets and everyone needs a secret. They are my secrets. I may show my sketches to people and explain things like my storylines to people but that doesn't mean they understand the way their minds work. I have biographies and personalities in my mind written for them and stored in a vault. I would love more than anything to make comics about any one of them but not as they are now. They are fragments of my, they are my mirror shards because Jen does not exist.
I have the fundamental problem of being unable to draw myself. Though I have tried to simplify myself, it cannot be done. So instead I draw myself in fragments, which in turn fragments my mind. I don't have the problems that I did in high school where I completely tried to separate the creative minds but there are still distinct voices and characters. There is an automatic shut-down that can be activated at any time this time around. I am not as vulnerable as I was then but the wars are still terrifying to me and the war between Sakura and Duality escalates the longer I stay in my hometown. Fact one: Sakura is always stronger in my hometown. Fact two: It is the most difficult thing to be online or do school work or anything creative in my hometown because it is just about impossible to focus on anything very long. Fact three: I am an unstable person by nature so everything is subject to change. Duality is not officially a part of me so she cannot be protected as much as others would if they were warring with Sakura. The other issue is the topic they are fighting about is something that I don't like to talk about or handle at all. Last but not least, her timing is absolutely atrocious. Not only is Chisai gone to who knows where but it's the Winter stretch, meaning holiday season and we all know Holiday season is the worst time for me. Thanksgiving day, last year my Grandfather died whom I was really close to and during the holidays I am pressured to come home as soon as possible, which backs up all of my school work and doubles over the stress. I compromise far too easily and that is entirely my fault but the holidays have always been hard for me. Two years ago, my roommate hid people in our apartment and traumatized me. Her friends were not only grungy, rude, and totally inconsiderate but they were also intrusive. In December I made a lot of idiotic decisions and once again, my roommate two years ago led to one of the worst nights of my life. Last Christmas I had finals really close to the day and had been struggling with the recent death. I was backed up with school work and I think it was near that time that I made yet another serious lapse in judgment. Holidays are bad and evil. I would rather have it where holidays are unpredictable days to celebrate in the year rather than a national holiday. I want the kind of holidays like when we were kids where our parents, or rather my mom, would pick us, or rather me, up from school for a hookie day to go to the movies or something else fun. I could never see it coming and yet it was always fun. I want those kinds of holidays. If family wasn't involved, I would totally make that happen. Or rather, if I live to an older age or have kids, I am totally going to make that happen.
There.