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I need to scream,
and not in the nonverbal sense of the word.
I don't need a way to vent,
I need to scream.
I need to feel my lungs contract tightly and claw for air
after my primal howl has torn through me.
I've got rushing thoughts,
much too fast to type again.
This is why I'm such a procrastinator.
This is why I can't like myself.

I now know that I can honestly say that my parents aren't the best people ever. To put it frankly, my mother is a b***h. Because I'm too kind and forgiving, I can't say the truth that it's her fault that I have problems. I suppose it really isn't all her fault. I could stand up to her and tell her off... and watch her heave over on her bed in tears. I could listen to her beg for forgiveness and demand a reason why we blame everything on her. I could sit there and watch her as she suffers, after raising me and devoting so much of her life to us. I could, but I'm not like that. I won't put my mother through such pain. I would rather learn to cope that ever put her through that again. She still has scars from the times I have done that to her. I showed her my essay from religion class and she flipped out. That was years ago but she still remembers it. She remembers it all too well...

I could see that she isn't normal from the way my friends acted at New Year's. My mother was cruel about what kind of things I was eating or planning to eat. She criticizes nearly anything that I try to eat or when I try to eat. Now you can understand why I don't like to eat or I over-eat. My mother dresses me up like a doll for events. She shops for me all the time. You could say those are normal mother things but I think she really does like to show me off like a doll on some level. It's like one of her few ways to show up her sisters, like "Haha I got a daughter >P or something" Is that so cruel to think about my mother?

I will always love my mother but I will also hate her. She will always be my enemy, my friend, and my worst nightmare. I"M SO ******** TIRED. GOD DAMMIT. I have so much to do and I WANT to do it but I'm just physically tired. "Oh Jen, you should make time for these things then" NO ******** STUPID! I'm back home so I am NOT in control of my life. I am on family time here and I DESERVE to live MY DAMN LIFE SO ******** OFF WITH THE ROLEPLAY RESPONSIBILITIES! ******** OFF!

>.> I'm so damn cranky, I need to sleep. I worked for five hours, no pay cause it's volunteering, at Bingo where i was on my feet all day and this is after staying up most of the night. ******** OFF! I am going to sleep. Oh! And since I forgot my books at my gma's house I got to drive there on a stressful wet road... when we have no radio so I was freaking out that I would fall asleep cause I WAS DAMN TIRED

Goodnight