Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

For all you stalkers out there and friends of mine, you're in for a special treat. I don't like talking about this and I though I won't want to think about it after today, I'll be reminded about it everyday of my forsaken life. I went to the doctor a week ago to see the problem with my menstruation stuff cause it's been nonexistent for as long as I can remember. Imagine being a girl at an all girl's school and being one of the only girls without a period. Do you know how often girls complain about their periods with other girls? Do you know how often they blame their moodiness on that crap? Yea, I was constantly reminded and it was just another thing that set me apart from all the normal people then. Well as it turns out the test I took a while back in SF to check my LH and FSH levels, basically hormone stuff, were done incorrectly. They had me take the estrogen pills before the test, which seems wrong and I told them so but they corrected me that it was done right. So, when we got the old test results back I was normal but this time when I got the test done without the pills beforehand, my test results were bad.

Being the curious person that I am, I looked at my test results last night since you can view them online. I did not like what I saw. True, two of the tests were fine, around the same levels as before so they were normal but one was severely off. Basically, my hormones operate at a post menopausal level. Having kids is going to be really difficult for me in the future. Though I never really wanted to have kids, it's nice to think you have the option. And besides that it was nice to tell myself, "Haha you're such a cynic" but turns out all those things about it being impossible later are true. My menstruation cycle will never be normal. It will never operate like a normal person and no pills can change that. My hormones are producing at such a low level that there is nothing to release unlike most women. It is called polycystic ovarian syndrome or something like that and its supposed very common. Whatever. It's not the kinda thing you want to hear from your doctor. I cried last night and now all I feel is empty. I feel empty and afraid.