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I can really be a terrible monster at times...

It's like a person who knows the end to a movie before they watch it, we do it because it's fun and we like it. So then by this logic do I take enjoyment in making myself hurt? Maybe... maybe not. The fact cannot be backed up by the mere questioning or proposing of another fact. There must be clear evidence.

EVIDENCE #1 = I was happy. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I didn't need to worry about whether I would be alone in the future or not. I could forget that my parents were never home and my brother ignored me. I could erase that my friends never wanted to find out more about me. In that time of my life, I could devote myself entirely to others because I had that one selfish thing. I was happy.

EVIDENCE #2 = Once that thing that brought me happiness was questioned by society, it turned against me. People talked about him like he didn't exist. No one could see him therefore he didn't exist. No one could feel him so he didn't exist. No one could hear him.. but I could. By not believing in him anymore, I was also denying myself the right to be happy. I thought it was only logical that I didn't deserve to be happy.

EVIDENCE #3 = When all was lost, who was there to cheer me up? Was it my friends from high school? No. Was it my family? Yes. Was it some kind of object? No. Then was it a new hobby? Yes. Did he make things better or worse? Worse. The conditions surrounding him did not change, only the environment changed. Unfortunately my mind had changed as well because I no longer had a closed heart, I wanted my family to love me and I wanted to love them. Once I did that, I could no longer create love for myself because I stated that I did not know what love was. By opening my heart, it had to be closed beforehand so I could not have known love by that reasoning.

**stop, I'm tired.

I may have not been the best friend for others over the years, but who's to say that I shouldn't feel anger or regret for being their friend as well? Who's to say that they treated me any better? So I treated them like Princesses, so what... I also treated them like dirt. I've been both the angel and the devil in the friendship. Would you have rather that I had been neutral all this time? Like you've treated me? You think you would be any less angry at me? I'll tell you this, you sure would have felt closer to me. Sure it hurts more, but at least you know the amazing times when the world stops around you. When you can remember a single moment or thinking of them fills your entire brain with the memory of what their house smelled like or how they could laugh and make you laugh in return. At least I have that. Can you say as much?

I thought not.