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The more I talk things out, the more bitter and angry I seem to be. We get the walls down and I seem so human... so like everyone else. When I wake up, it's all gone. All the soft parts have crusty peelings on them. They started building back up their walls and spikes while we were asleep.

At least the moon has shown you comfort. Comfort, I wish I could give now. Even in my stupidity and angst, I wish I could help you.

I told you... I hate being taken care of. I resent it so intensely. It pushes me to learn more about people and always give them everything of me or things that are mine. This isn't to say that I wouldn't want to do these things without the resentment or embarrassment of being taken care of. After all, didn't it seem like I reached out first? I can make friends. I can let people in, it just is a little hard sometimes.

The book we laughed at, is actually... well kinda helpful. I know it sounds so simple and idiotic but reading it kinda helps me... I'm like that. I like to hear from other people the things that I have supposed or thought. I don't like following my assumptions... I think that might be because I would only have myself to count for if it led to failure. In this way, it wasn't all my thought and I can chalk it up to a lesson learned instead of a failure. I have an aversion to failure.

I'm a lot like my new character in many ways. It should be interesting. Lucas was different, he was more logical and down-to-earth (or so I like to think). Lamar is too slutty and intensely childish. The closest I ever got to my own personality might have been Ryan from the Mirror roleplay. He had a temper and was a bit headstrong. he had the urge to fight but was a bit of a coward. He was curious and proud and underneath everything, he cared. I was drastically different from Takumi and Ceros so they were easy. Deveraux was a little difficult to pin down, as was Matt. Not all thought through, those two... same with Sam and Will I suppose. They were probably my biggest failures in my eyes. I couldn't keep them stable. Their personalities wanted to shift, over and over. My fairytale characters were difficult too, though not quite as bad since the roleplay didn't get as far. Lol.

No, this should be interesting. He is a Scorpio... and I find myself loving that sign so much these past months. I supposed to be more like a Capricorn... I haven't read into it yet. Perhaps as a hope that it won't fit me or to keep me from emulating things. I'm so impressionable, espeically in times of weakness. Haha.

I'm getting better though... it's not like I need to be around people. I just, need to express myself. And I will. I will in time. I'm gathering my thoughts and trying not to be a burden.