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When did I say that I loved you?
Whoops, did I really sound like I meant it?
[/ scoff] I was only playing.
I can't stand to think about you.

Indifference,
what is that?
Pretending it doesn't hurt or annoy?
Isn't that just faking it?
I'm an amazing liar but,
I always know the truth

I care
I always care
And my heart will always love.
Stupidly, I will forgive.
And you, without fail,
will trample over my feelings.
You will hurt me,
over
and
over
and
over
again.

Congratulations.
I'll keep smiling,
Don't worry.
You can ask me about my day
and I'll tell you "nuthin" so that I can ask
just how your day has been and listen to you,
excitedly tell your little story.

Once again,
Congratulations
for not getting me,
for not being the person I need.

Being my friend is hard, isn't it.
[/ scoff]

I feel like I'm being dragged into a pit and everyone is watching but not one really knows what is happening. They try to talk to me but don't ask the right questions or I don't give them the answers I need to talk about. It's a wonderful little war.

Oh? I didn't tell you... I lost all the info on my computer again. I am gonna get a new computer but don't know when. I lost everything again. I gave up on Josh. And I have been taken advantage of twice by my online friends. My girls are dead too... so I have no shoulder to go to right now.

I just feel like I can't trust anyone.

Ha.

I don't know what to look forward to anymore.

I, can't help but think this year is just gonna be worse than last year. I want to go back to therapy right now. At this moment, I want to open up to someone.

But I can't.

And when I get back there, I can't say for certain that I won't have already made up a new alter to help me.

I need help so badly right now. I can't cope. Life is.... just terrible.

When I walk to the store, I think about asking whether they sell box cutters or not. And each time I tell myself, it's only for a comfort. If I buy it, it's only for comfort so I won't think about it anymore. But that's how it starts. It gets desperate and I start searching for disposable razors to take apart. It's not right.

I ******** hate people. People always seem to let me down.

You know though, she planned an amazing party. I was so impressed. That and she got me a lock. True that. Truuuuuuuuuue that.

Maybe it's just my online friends that I need to stop letting so close to me? Are they the ones that hurt me the worst?