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Now, I can't tell what's on my own mind. I would think that since it's my mind, I'd understand it, but I don't. Anyway, I've been thinking about girls and my dad (not in the same instance) today. And, I think it's time I let off a little steam

I just finished watching Sorcerous Stabber Orphen. I loved it. Up till the ending. It was very over-climactic and over-dramatic, and the closure is obviously inferring there'll be another adventure. That's probably how Orphen Revenge came about. But, I liked it. And, I started watching Revenge but it's not nearly as good.

Basically, I'm still feeling to have dreams of these people who don't exist. Even when I'm awake, I want to dream a dream that makes sense and is just easy. A dream where I'm with a girl and I'm happy with her. Even though these dreams aren't real, they feel like it often. And it's nice. Whoever I'm with (real person or fictional character) in those dreams, it's always warm and there's shades of white and blue everywhere. And I'm holding her as close as I can just for hope of that feeling that maybe this dream will be real in the near future. Although, I've never had a dream about Cat

And, I know now that she's in a relationship... Who with, I won't say from privacy. But, I've always liked her. Maybe there were short time periods where I had a faint dislike for her because maybe she was rude or inconsiderate, but I've always liked her. And, surprisingly, in the non-infatuated way. Had I asked her out this year like I wanted to, maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did with Brittany. But, she isn't hormonal. Things wouldn't have moved anywhere. We would've become closer friends but never kissed, never had sex, never had time together, (due to her mom) and never really just become more than close friends

And, what I thought of today while I was with her, "Maybe a relationship that I want wouldn't be much different from a really close friendship." That made me think, "So why did I ever think so hard about dating Cat? Things would've been the exact same"

And, I don't understand it. I've been pursuing a certain kind of relationship all this time and it's never happened. Because I just hadn't found someone I liked that liked me back. But, if the relationship I'd wanted wouldn't have been much different from a close friendship, why was I so powerfully immersed in the idea of one? I have plenty of close friends: Scriv, Maci, Topher, Yoder, Cat, and Beka. So, what was I feeling I lacked? Compassion? Or what? And, I don't even know why I have these dreams. I'm enjoying them so much but, when I put this whole relation-vs-close friend case into it, I don't know what I'm so desperate for

Elsewhere in my mind, I met a girl named Jessica who was a friend of a friend and she lives in Placerville. She's a sceny chick, she smokes, and she's really pretty. But, she's 14 and has a boyfriend. But, regardless, I still talked to her. And I'm already growing fond of her. She shows me more compassion than anyone ever has over 2 days. Maybe that's what I've been looking for? Compassion that I felt was justified?

She's really nice, she's underage, she's most likely bi, and she lives in Placerville. Why should I feel so compelled to her? This I do understand: because I am a sack of s**t with what feels like nobody who ever comes to me and asks, "Are you feeling okay?"

There are only two people who seem to ask that at all anymore: my mom and dad. My mom I don't see and she asks me maybe once every two weeks if something's on my mind. My dad, however, is a different story. He used to be a little concerned for me but not anymore. Is it because I'm 18? No. It's because he wants me to go to college and he's doing everything he can to make sure I get the ******** out of his house

This I do understand. What I don't understand is what everyone says, that "No one busts your a** in college." My dad is. I'm being told to do everything as an adult as I was as a teenager. I'm expected to go to bed on time and do my best in school. Why? I don't understand why he wants me to try so hard in life. I'm no different than he is. I'm unmotivated. I only wanna do what I wanna do. And, that led him to live in a shithole house.

Being 18 means being an adult. Doesn't being an adult lead to being able to make my own decisions about what to do with my life? If anything, college is kind of counter-productive. I could be a part time or even a full time guitar teacher if I had students willing to learn... But, I'm expected to go to college. I'm expected to learn. But, here's what I don't understand...


What am I learning?
Why do I need to learn it?


I feel like I'm in a prison cell, in a way. I can't make my own decisions. And I don't even have my own cellmate. I'm stuck in here by myself. I can do whatever I want inside my little prison cell... I wish you were here, Jessica. I wish you knew how much your words have meant to me in just 2 days...