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It isn't because of school or roleplay demands. It isn't because of friends or family. It isn't because of another being in mind or a financial crisis. It isn't a death or any other kind of tragedy.

It's facing myself.

It's me.

I do bad all by myself.

I have had morbid thoughts since calling. It always frustrates me to hell then after, I'm too terrified to face it. Right now, I want to call them back and apologize for speaking back. I want to cancel any appointment or coverage I may have. They should never see me again.

No one should ever need to see me again.

See? That's the kind of thing I keep doing. [/ sigh] I feel so down though. I had to take a nap it was so bad. All I could picture in my mind was me all curled up in a ball under my blankets. In reality, I sat on the couches all curled up and ate my yogurt like a squirrel again. I retreated. I placed my arms as close as they could to me, as if to hold myself from falling apart.

I know what triggered it and I know what my train of thought is that justifies these feelings. I know that I can't understand my own body so... what's the point? I think to myself, who would want to be with a woman who cannot have children? Who would want to deal with bleeding every day of their life? What are my other options? Am I as cornered as I feel or is it the system locking me in? Are there really no other options? Are there no other ways to find information? Am I abnormal? I know I'm abnormal, but how rare is it? Is it rare at all? Could I get testing?

And I know how I hate explaining myself over and over and over again. I keep repeating it: "LOOK! I don't bleed without these pills! Okay, get it? I never have normal bleeding! You can't compare it to anything! Other times I took the pills, I never had this reaction! How could it be giving me this reaction now? How could it have changed?"

[/ falls on the floor] Disney is trying to hurt me... "Whole New World" is making me want to bang my head against my desk. My ipod works against me in mysterious ways >.> Go figure.

My mind finds distractions. I'll be fine. F.I.N.E.