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Well, my phone is finally ******** working again.

I got a voice message that I should have gotten in what... JULY?! Mother ******** ******** enfewuanhfiugbr I am so pissed! I am totally an utterly PISSSED my god. So MAD. It was a message from Josh. And you know what? He had been screening my calls. He called me ******** crazy. And you know what, I am crazy. We all know this.

My friends love me and I can't grasp how a MAN cannot also accept this. I am CRAZY. This will not change. By society's standards, I WILL NOT NOR EVER BE NORMAL. I express myself in unacceptable manners and hold views that lie outside the standard realms of acceptance. Almost all my friends ******** KNOW they ******** KNOW that I thought being raped was the ideal love as a child. I thought that being a stripper or whore would be the best job! I made my barbies as a kid, have sex with each other. Yea, ******** KNOW that. So then, why the ********?

I am hurt, yea. I have no ******** idea WHEN he called but I know it wasn't today cause it isn't on my call list. I ******** made a cd for him back then... ******** MORON. Yea, let it out.

Oh! And what else? I feel polarized again. ******** polarized again. Once again I feel as though there are two separate selves. WHY THE ********?! I wish I could swear off relationships forever. I am just, ugh....

I am so sick of the getting to know each other and stress from worrying about what the other person thinks or whether you think the right things yet or if you're moving too fast. FOR ******** SAKE! And I SERIOUSLY do not want to have a flimsy relationship where all it is, is simply sex or about "being there for each other in the time" NO if I am going into a relationship, it's gonna be a ******** RELATIONSHIP! I'm gonna take it seriously and I'm gonna try to make it ******** work.

[/ grrrrrr] I just, ******** hate to be called CRAZY in that context. It's like, hey... how much did you really get to know me? Huh? You could have backed out like a man at any point. Could have told me to my face that you are weirded out or that you don't understand a view or accept it. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A ******** MAN!

[/ fume fume fume] I am SO SICK and TIRED of ASSHOLES! or guys who ******** PANSY out cause "I'm scaaaaary~" THEN DON'T ******** GET SO FAR WITH ME! DROP ME LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES! Just, ******** have the balls to stand where you are! Have good reasons and you know, if you tried to make it work it should be noticable that you tried. Hey! I get it, you wanted to see if it would last right? I've made that mistake. I've tried new areas. BUT YOU DIDN'T DO THAT YOU ******** HOLE!

UUUGH! you suck!