Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Reasons I couldn't be serious:

it would hurt my brother too much
my brother needs me - else he any my parents would never get along
even though I know my friends would move on, I think they would blame themselves
the guilt from the time and money my parents have invested in me
there's nothing waiting for me anymore - just an end to everything
I still haven't done so many little things that matter
I wouldn't want to traumatize whoever found me

I compare myself to the rest of my family and I feel ashamed. It makes me wonder if my mother ever feels like the let down of her family... we are the only kids that are failures. We are the only losers. My cousin Kelly was Valedictorian of his high school and even though his mother was a single-parent and they couldn't really afford college, he applied to scholarships and made it work. He got a job fast and graduated. He was even about to get engaged. He has his own house now. Even though he broke up with his gf, he has lived so much already. His sister, Karlie is a nurse. She has had so many amazing boyfriends and traveled. She is close to our other cousins and has lived through a terrible disease which forced her to give up her love of rowing. My other cousins Jake and Adam are runners who both have full scholarships to top schools. They both graduated from Jesuit and they are buff. They have always gotten good grades and been the popular kids. My cousins Gary and Brian are already graduated. They are rather wealthy so they've always had expensive toys. They even had a cabin that they owned. One of them has traveled out of the country while the other is training to become a fire fighter. Never have I heard how they didn't know what they wanted. Sure, they weren't the strongest in school but they still did better than us. And my cousins Neel and Carla are exceptional too. Carla has switched majors but she went to ******** Alaska for her first choice. She probably has troubles. I've heard hard times from her. What do you want to bet though that the mother ******** Kelly genes will kick in and she will soar to the top in no time. Her brother is a professor, trying to go for his tenure. Yea... impressive much? Those are only the cousins from my mother's side. This doesn't even include my father's side. I have more successful cousins. Yea... ******** wonderful.

Oh, don't get me wrong... I'm happy for them. It's good to hear my relatives are doing well but we're not friends. We were only buddies with them as little kids. After that, they started ditching us for the older kids. ******** DAMN right I resented that. They teased us to get closer to the other kids. There is a good reason to resent. We were close to Adam... and Jake... [/ sigh] growing up sucks.

[/ hugs Jimmy Eat World] Nostalgia sucks.

I keep thinking, I could run into someone from high school and be all like "HA! IN YOUR FACE!" <___________> Cause I'm lame.

I keep dreaming about how my life would have been so much better if I had never gone to St. Francis. How I could have saved all that money and went into other programs. I imagine I would have been teased and missed out on volleyball but WHO THE ******** CARES! We all knew I was only doing it for the fun, not for a career. I loved volleyball... I still do. I just hate the girls that play the sport. On the more humorous side, I think if I had gone to that school, I think my stalkerish skills would have been even more serious... in a bad way. Lol. I think I would have had sex earlier too... I shouldn't be thinking about this.

I started working on Dev's cd again but it's hard to keep my mind on her and only her. Since I've been so depressed lately it's been hard to separate myself out. I just haven't been around her in a long time. I added another OK Go song and Gwen Stefani but I'm not sure either fits. I do imagine her laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and listening to the first song. It's relaxing. I imagine it gives her these images of stroking her boyfriend's hair or big fields of wheat. Or perhaps a shore where waves crash and draw back. She would cuddle with her kitty and quietly fall into a sweet slumber.

But that's how I imagine Dev.

I think the hardest thing for me is to accept that people are strong. I have believed for so long that people all need to be saved, that there is something in them that they will share and we'll just click. That's wrong and it's hard to accept. I don't like to think that people could live without me. I like to think that I'm some special snowflake. I really do depend on that.

... that's so pathetic.