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I know that I am not really mad or resentful but in this moment perhaps I am frustrated because I am online and they are not. The fact that we are so close and I want to be done, makes me more impatient to finish. It's like... if only they were online, our combined efforts could get it done zippity quick. But that's not how it is. [/sigh] I've made good progress and I'll just congratulate myself for now since that seems to be the only thing I can do about Mafia Harem. [/sigh] it has taken so long and now that I'm all pumped, it's even more painful.

Motivation has always been a terrible demon for me. My lack of motivation, passion for life, makes everyday seem like a chore... except for when I'm here.

in my cyber space.

in my little world that I can create.

It makes me dream that if I were an author, I could lose myself in the world I was creating and forget about the reality. I could become one of those delusional ladies that talks to herself at all times and has an odd way of looking at things. I'm already halfway there truthfully. The more I indulge in this world, the farther I drift away.

I don't talk to my friends anymore. It makes me wonder if I'll end up truly alone. That doesn't upset me anymore. No. That's because I have the online life and friends. I think that really has become my little safety. Well.... now I wonder if I didn't have internet or friends, would I really be upset? I don't know anymore. I think I could do it. I talk to myself enough and I could always get a cat and tons of books. That eats a lot of time and watching tv shows. I live a loner lifestyle right now anyhow. Really, would it be such trouble to drive away all of my friends?

[/ sigh] I shouldn't think those kinds of things cause then I get to thinking about how everyone else is growing up and I'm stuck in this wormhole. I know people can see it when they look at me. I can't tell if people are only friends with my because they pity me or what... I mean, what do I have to offer to the friendship? I can't tell if I could be eternally loyal anymore. I don't believe in eternity anymore for one. And two, well... there are certain truths we all realize. Friendships don't last forever. We really should stop telling kids they do last. It only makes it worse when they grow up. In this consumer culture, it's like we collect friends for the sake of possessing them. But we can never possess them. We can never own their hearts.

I haven't thought about murder for some time, so that's a small improvement. I know it might come back soon since it's crunch time in school but, at least I'm free for now. I mean, thinking about how to best murder someone isn't exactly the happiest of train of thoughts.

Ah well, I'm bored of this again. Better get back to trying to force myself to work.... thus far - it's not working very well. I finished the fun stuff so now my mind is fighting against me.