I haven't been able to sleep well. I cannot go to sleep before 2 AM and even then, I do not feel like sleeping. I do not feel like eating anything even though I know that I am hungry. Then when I try to eat something, I will eat anything and everything. I disgust myself, yet I love myself.
I'm making these weeks a great celebration. I want to take pictures and record videos for my friend. I want to get farther in Mafia Harem and have a good time with my mother. She adores me so.
But I feel guilt.
GUILTY
I don't know if it's the guilt of killing the man who loved me best, my soulmate, or it is some kind of guilt as to how I think. I cannot tell if it is guilt in how I overlook so many great things in my life and do not take advantage of all the privileges I have or if it is the guilt over the suffering I have watched and felt but never talked about. I cannot tell and anytime that I've tried, they make light of the situation.... so I exaggerate it more and more. The lie becomes my reality.
Lies are my reality.
I like my lies.
My brother is so ... intolerant. I tried to tell him my beliefs, of how the moon is a goddess and that the locket my mother gave me keeps my soul safe but.... he. he made fun of me. He so hatefully told me how stupid I was and how I was wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG. He told me how there was evidence that there was no soul. But, I should be able to believe in things like that. Those little treasures keep my hopeful. If you deny me these beliefs just because they have no evidence or facts to back them up, then you deny my existence. You deny my love. You deny my heart and all my deeds. You deny everything. You deny expression itself. AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT.
I will never tolerate someone insulting expression itself.
Sure, make fun of the way someone or myself expresses themselves but NEVER never deny the art of expression itself. That is blasphemous to the human condition. And.... and my brother was denying just that. He said that believing in those ideas like the soul should not be allowed. [/ grasps at her heart] Such betrayal I feel.
I cannot tell if Andrea is busy or if she will avoid me.
I hurt all of those around me.
