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It's sad that I cannot share the secret with anyone.

I cannot share my plans.

I have all this happiness and fun around me but in the back of my mind I think, "soon, it will end soon." My smile stays on, like some grand show but it's my life that I'm mocking. It's my life that I'm plotting against. Friends forgive me one day... that I did not warn you and that I could not let anyone stop me.

I have thought this through. I have planned it and gone over and over in my head. I thought out the reasons carefully and how to put it into words. I thought about a note and what it would say. I've thought it over so many times that now it is simply a waiting game... waiting for the day to become "now." I know there are things I will leave undone. I know there are plans to be unmade and hearts to be broken but I won't regret it. The fate without it would be so much worse.

I cannot image "me" with medication. I cannot be who I am with those pills. I won't take them. I won't allow anyone to force them upon me. With them, I am some mindless zombie. They take away my mind, my creativity, my drives, and my will. They make me weak against myself, for if they do not work, I am worse off than before. They have never worked. They will not work.

Doctors do not hold all the answers. I cannot blame them for treating me incorrectly. I cannot blame others for misunderstanding me, for how much about myself do I truly understand.

Perhaps this is all just a dream...