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I can tell that without the birth control, my moods are much more manageable and less bi-polar but little things still set me off.

January 8 or January 9

I honestly would hate myself more than ever if I lived to see my next birthday. I cannot stand the thought of being 22. I just, don't think I can stomach it. At the same time, I don't think I would want to die.

My FLAWS:

I am an attention whore. I admit that I like drama and constantly interacting with people. Yes, talking all the time is exhausting but being in involved in the lives of others on a daily basis is something I miss. I feel such a gap there. When I don't get attention, I get lonely. Some days it's not so bad. I can talk to myself to do my favorite activities to cheer myself up but it's not always a fix. Being online takes the pressure from people in my life like friends or family.

I have high expectations of my friends. I am a demanding person and like my mothers, I cannot stand when it feels like I do all the brunt work. In reality, that really is how things go down. People offer to do things but they don't do it. Maybe they're afraid or they think I like to do it but frankly half the time it pisses me off. I'm unreasonable like that. I don't tell them I don't want to host it and in the end I have a good time. It's just the pre-party and possible after reflection alone that I b***h.

I've developed a great paranoia, surrounding really all my relationships. It's been there before but not to such a degree. I am insecure and I project onto others my insecurities. I am also pretty jealous so that has something to do with it as well.

I hold grudges and cannot let go. I remember fights and mistakes people make for a long time. I cannot accept rejection and spin it so that it sounds like I cannot stop loving others. Truth be told I do love them still but I wasn't the one that said goodbye and I do resent them for it. More importantly, I fear them. I fear running into them and that they would see the devotion I still carry or that I would find a person I do not know in their stead.

I'm self-indulgent. I let myself eat, sleep, relax, play, and basically do whatever I feel like most times. I do not have self control and have no interest in being healthy.