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I can't tell yet but I think tonight I'm going to have an extra hard time trying to sleep. My id keeps telling me that I deserve to die. It tells me that I should have already done it by now. That tonight could have been my only chance.

But I don't want to. I'm not ready yet. I... I feel so sad. I feel so very sad.

To keep it secret from everyone else is even worse.

I don't want my life of loneliness. I have friends and online peeps I talk to but that's not what I mean by being lonely. I don't mean the basic friend needs or human comfort of talking to someone cause I can get that anytime really. What I mean is that someone who knows you so completely and wants to know even more about you. They randomly think about how you smile during the day or get you the gift you always held in your heart without you ever saying it. I had one of those people once. Twice. Three times no more. One as a friend and the other as a lover.

I've always wanted to be kissed on a Ferris Wheel and to get a locket from the man I loved. Above all I wanted him to laugh at my quirks like they made my cuter and to ask my why I thought that way. I want him to be awestruck by who I am. I do. I did. I wish.

Either my best friends can tell and don't want to ask because they're tired of it all or they can't tell at all. I don't know if I'm really that great of a liar. I know my mother is an idiot so all those lies to her don't count as being good at lying. Lying to my best friends would could and I did that New Year's but they didn't seem all that convinced. I was pretty squirrely when Andrea brought up how I should be taking pills. ******** that.