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Tonight may be the night. I just keep thinking about it.

I haven't eaten today. At all. I might eat a salad when I get home.

I always thought it would be different... like harder or magical or something. I never thought it was so easy to just disappear from the world, from existence. I mean, you hear stories about it but you never think it would happen to you like that.

I've had that mucus stuff for the past three days in a row. Yup. It's gross.

I'm insecure. I suppose it's one reason why I try to emulate so many different things and people. I try to learn what it would be like to be them or that type by writing or just letting my imagination go. It's not as sad as you think. I mean, yes, it's sad that I don't really like myself but it's cool that I'm trying to understand different people. I understand how wrong it is to emulate people and take in all those traits into my being. It doesn't just make me a poser at times but also can be dangerous when there are negative traits I emulate.

I wanted my mother to be proud of me even if I'm a failure. I wanted her to look at me with zits and tell me that I'm beautiful even with my flaws. She gave me wrinkle cream for Xmas and though this is prolly nothing to her, it's a huge offense to me. It's like saying that I must always look young. If I'm ever to be happy, to get a guy, to make her proud.... I must have wrinkle free skin. I never told her that was something I wanted. I never told her it was something I worry about, cause I don't. I never think about wrinkles. She may be trying to "protect me" but honestly, wrinkles were the least of her worries.

I think I have lied to my mother the most out of everyone in my life. I have lied again and again without much shame. I tell myself that I need those lies to get along with her or survive. God damn. Maybe if I hadn't lied so much I would have gotten the same shame my brother got from them. Maybe they would have learned to accept our little mistakes better. They don't. They can't let us make mistakes. They interfere when things get too bad but really, we just want you there to listen. Don't help. Just listen. Let us discover it. Teach us the dangers of the world but let us learn for ourselves though experience. I know it can be bad but... we need to learn that not everything is easy. Be kind to my brother, please.

Please.

Aw man... I really didn't want to cry.

I worry for him so much. Maybe I martyr him too much.

I realize how much my parents work and suffer to get us to where we are. They put their dreams on hold and just try to get past each day. My mom's work doesn't end after she gets home. My dad's work doesn't end with age. I understand. I cannot know how hard it is to work for x amount of years at the same thing over and over but didn't you teach me that you were working at things you love to do? Shouldn't it be a little bit okay then that you work nearly everyday? When you tell us about the time crunch of how hard it is for you to work while we go to school, it doesn't make things better. I know we're listening to you and trying to support you but giving us the worries of your parenting.... it gives us more burden while not easing yours. I just wish we could have gone to school without you two telling us how much you gave up for it or how hard you worked. We tried at school because we wanted to care and we wanted to do well for ourselves as well as you. Once you put that added pressure of "oh well we are doing so much for you so you better do twice as good" it killed our self-motivation. We just felt the pressures of doing it for you. We should have been learning how good learning is and how we could try all these things in the world. It was too much.

Hell.... that's not why I wanted to end my life though. Not fully anyhow.