Running Into Familiar Emotions


So, out of having a normal day, I finally got upset over something. Don't understand why when I get upset about something that just came up on me out of no where during school. I fall behind in something in my class because I messed up something and it doesn't often occur to me. When it does, I feel like blaming myself for not trying to fix what I thought I could fix. Apparently not, so then I come home feeling upset as can be in myself. Never told anyone what was going on since it was kinda of my thing.

When I get upset, I can always remember, it's a pretty rare emotion to see out of me. I am a pretty happy guy, but I need to remember my other emotions. Feeling upset over something so small that I could fix in an instant. Sort of missed that chance anyways, won't really know what to do about it. I feel like I want to flunk this class I am taking that I don't really need the credit for. I know I need 7 elective credits to graduate high school, but I would think I would have them all down and pat already. I know what I need to pass and I am working hard on that, but what about the other things, are they really necessary? I do take joy in that class, but is it really worth my time. I don't ever see myself becoming a photography, but it is fun to try new things.

Thinking about all these sad things, I notice all the other things I consider problems in my life. That fear I am going to get mixed up in my cycle of relationship problems. I am finally facing anxiety head on and just taking it slowly and letting myself react and calm down. Turning small things into big things I have done in the past. Trying to remind myself things won't be sad may take a while at times. I feel so horrible when I date people. I feel disgusting when I cheat on someone because the woman I want to listen to me and for me to listen to what she has to say seems like she is missing. Searching frantically to find her has never worked out for me.

I know I have been down this route before. That girl to fill the holes and be that one who will like me for me. Probably she has not shown up yet. I often question the subject of love, what is it, what is that heart warm feeling I am suppose to experience? Maybe I am too young to understand what love is, maybe I need to experience. I remember having these feelings for a couple of girls. Like I didn't want to be away from them, is that the feelings? Maybe it's nothing but puppy love, I have no idea what it all could mean.

Then seemingly another problem I have in my life is that I have this mentally disabled friend who has barely any friends. Made nice with him when I was brain washed into the Christian religion. Now it all but seems that he complains everything and anything to me. I try to help him, but he doesn't see any bright side, he is always mr negative. I don't know what to do with him. I don't feel like I want to be his friend anymore, he is that annoying fly that will never go away. I feel like I am too nice, too of a decent person to really tear down someone and not be around them anymore. Honestly, out of all the niceness I have in myself, I cannot stand to be around some people.

It's the defect of the human species where we are not perfected. Which makes us then able to make mistakes and we can realize them and get stronger off that. Should I try and follow my own desires, to try and escape what currently gives me strife in my own life? Maybe if I do that, will I feel like I am a better person? My friend whom I dislike, will I be a bad person to do what all others do to him, ultimately leave him? I honestly don't know anymore, but it feels really pathetic in me that I have to stoop myself down to be friends with every single person. There is just some people I have find pitiful to even look at and I cannot stand them.

Suppose out all my problems, there may be some hope. I am in control and all. It's like a game of chess, it's my move, and I need to act on it. Look at me, 18 years old and I am so young, yet so aware of some things and I don't act on it. Guess that is what can make me a smarter person.