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When I think of hate I think of Princess Mononoke. They make hate something you can physically see around people.

Something I don't understand is how a person can have so much hate for a long period of time. Peoples' hate grows or shrinks over time. Grows because the forgiveness is delayed or shrinks because it becomes less important.

Mine has grown. There are very few things I enjoy after school, and almost all of them are ruined. I will take responsibility and say most of it is always my fault. I always end up doing something wrong.

There are two main fights that have almost destroyed me from the inside. One of them I tried to fix last night. I know the things Even during that fight I apologized and asked of that friend not to leave. I begged and begged, but being attacked by his friend and have the one who is really upset with me say nothing, I didn't know what to do.

Last night I had a long conversation with that person. I know what I was doing wrong even then but I couldn't stop what I was mistaking. I became full of anger and hate even though we both were trying to make peace. My friend even said he did not want to fight anymore. If he did not want to fight, and wanted just as much peace as me, then why has he not spoken up sooner. Its been over a year since our fight, I would think he would be over it and would try to talk to me.

I hate him. There are so many things wrong with both me and him. I will not take all the blame like I always do. I am the one always trying to make peace will no one want peace with me first?

The main thing I did do wrong is I said clashing things. I say I want peace but still I send rude remarks to my friend. I have never released my anger to him and have always held it in so finally when I speak to him again it all came pouring out. I was trying to make peace but I couldn't help but the want to stab him.

I am an ugly person. I am unable to handle peace very well. The only thing I can say is please don't get in fights with me. And if you do then either run or quickly apologize/forgive me so it can end before my sorrow begins.