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Thinking.. why the hell do we do it when we know how painful it can be. No, I'm not saying I'm so stupid that brain activity causes me physical discomfort, I'm talking about why we think about things that we know are going to hurt us emotionally. Is everyone as emotionally masochistic as I? That fine line between love and hate... that's something that occupies much of my attention. One minute you think, hey maybe she's an ok person, the next you're struck with why you're glad that person is out of your life, hopefully for good. Yea, it's bitterness talking, but is it wrong to try to distance yourself from someone you no longer enjoy the company of? No. The fact that it's the same physical being doesn't change the fact that it's a different person talking to me. They may know my name, they may know what the other person thought or what they knew, but it's being used by a different person. How does this even happen? Why are these same tired thoughts still running through my weary brain after so many months? Is she feeling the same way? So many questions... every one that gets answered only summons up countless more. Indecision is the enemy. Frantically searching for answers that may not be there. Feeling alone even though there are plainly others who care about you. Why do people feel this way? Why do I feel this way? Flirting... how do you know when you've crossed the line? Not necessarily into the realm of too perverted or too much information, but the line from playful banter to the actual implied offer of what you're actually saying. Does it make you a bad person if someone gets hurt because of this? Some people would say no... hell some seem to pin the blame on others instead of themselves.. personally I think that philisophy is a steaming pile of horse s**t. People wouldn't get your hopes up if you didn't offer.. and you certainly shouldn't dangle things in people's faces that they can't have. I mean, would you really place the blame on the other person for wanting the money if you pulled out a wad of hundred dollar bills and waved them in front of a homeless person's face? No. You'd say to the person with the money, "What the hell's wrong with you?" And yet is this the same situation with flirting? When flirting with someone is it the flirter's fault for taunting someone with something they can't have, or is it the fault of the flirtee for wanting something that is only being offered in jest? Yet even this question raises up questions from my past: Is it ok to flirt with someone while you're currently in a relationship while your significant other is present? Obviously not, I'd think. Others, obviously think otherwise, but lets assume for this instance that they're ******** up in the head and move on. What about flirting with someone while taken when your significant other ISN'T around? Is it any more ok then? I'd think yes, but then would that be half-lying to your significant other? Perhaps, and though it may still be wrong, it's not nearly as wrong as flirting with others while your boy/girlfriend is right there witnessing it.

Inner voice: "Why the hell are you still hung up on things so far gone? She already apologized, isn't that enough?"

Me: "In short, no."

In long.. well.. I guess I could go into it. How am I to know for sure that she really means it? Yea, it's wrong to not trust her and yada yada, but not only was it over the internet which completely gets rid of any inflection in tone, there could be other reasons she apologized aside from actually feeling bad about what she did. She's been feeling lonely lately and it could be that she misses having someone to talk to. If that's the case then I say she can get her a** back on WoW and talk it up with the friends she's got there. Part of me still feels that she chose them over me, anyways. Yea, that could be callous and unfair of me, but you know what, I've been nice for too ******** long! Hmmm.. maybe that's the Disturbed talking.. Whatever, part of me still feels that way. It's ******** up, what she's done, and if she wants me to be her friend again, then she's gonna have to deal with how I act towards the new her. She can get drunk all the ******** she wants, but she can't expect me to condone it nor be happy about it. Tyler knows what I'm like when people get drunk around me, I ******** with them. Hard. That way they know how ******** stupid they're being about it. Anyways... enough of that old wound.. wounds.. those old wounds. That's all for now, I suppose.
Is she not right? Is she insane? I ******** THINK SO! ::sigh:: ********.. I hate her sometimes..