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After we got into a fight that day, I think I've slowly lost my way from his heart. I feel... disconnected. I don't like it. I feel once more as though I'm losing my strength and faith in life. I fear going outside and even though I think about exciting things to do, there is no longer that push to get my through. Am I trying to make myself fall out of love with him or have I already fallen too far from him to be even in love with him anymore?

I hate saying that. I don't want to not be in love with him. I think the trouble started when I went to sleep after the fight. I think doing that really did restart me memories. Yes, I can remember what happened but I lost the intensity of the emotions. The rest of the day I had no energy or will to do anything. Honestly, I've felt like a zombie or like someone alive but with something dead holding them back. I've wanted to write or be productive but there is this, need to escape? That's not quite it. It's more like... maybe I don't know where to begin fixing things. Maybe I feel like I've ******** everything up again and it is blinding me. I really liked him... how could I have ******** up so badly and not know what I did? Honestly, how stupid am I?

I know I can be selfish. I know that. When I'm not being selfish, I'm being self-centered. I always worry about my comfort level because I think about my emotions first. Why can't I think about his first? Yes, I try to remember things like not saying things that hurt him or doing things properly the first time but I don't think I've been a very good girlfriend up to this point. I try to say nice things and be all tender or whatever... include the romance or whatever intimacy in the relationship. I'm trying. I really am trying. I'm usually so good with my words in being there for someone or cheering them up... was I never any good at all? Did I always fail so miserably and people just took pity on me and never told me to my face? I'd have liked to know so I could have improved on it... It's just like kissing or cooking or drawing, just takes practice. I wouldn't be so offended. Honestly.

Neh, neh.

Gosh, I haven't used that in a long time... It used to make me think of Tj. I think I'm at least free of her in using those words she used to use. Oh! With the exception of Nee-chan or course ^^ lol. But that makes me think of happy times with her, when we were sisters. Lol. We used to have so much fun. I remember that summer we were lifeguards together and read Wheel of Time at the same time. That was a blast! Haha. Wow that feels like a long time ago. Oh! Today, I started remembering some old high school memories ^^ Maybe there is some hope that I can remember more of them. I used to think that the medication made it so that I didn't remember the days but perhaps it was the depression. Maybe I wasn't on the right medication so the depression was affecting my memories, it made time seem like it was going fast and slow at the same time. I think it would be good for me to recall all the memories. I know it would be painful but it would help me vent them out and sort through them. Perhaps I can figure out some things to keep about my self. Lol. Always looking for improvement, that's me ;3

Ah. I got addicted to K-dramas. I'm still on my first ever but it's adorable. It's called "Protect the Boss" and I'm watching it through Netflix. I'm curious about what other kinds of dramas there are out there, not just K-dramas necessarily.

September is coming up. I know what that means. It means October, and eventually November are around the corner. I know the fall blues will be upon me again, worse than before. It gets worse every year ^^ I've stored away more than a few things for me to do to keep my head above water. Let's pray that I make it another year. Keep fighting, yes?