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I went to my friend's 21st birthday party this weekend in Davis. Technically, he is my brother's friend but over the years I have become friends with his crew. We call each other and with this guy, I actually share a lot of secrets. We talk about many things that I wouldn't exactly feel comfortable telling other people or I've told him things that I didn't talk about before and that allowed me to open up to others.

Sometimes I get this eerie nagging feeling that my brother's friends are attracted to me... even have crushes on me. Perhaps my sexual prowess is even stronger than I imagined. When I was drinking it came up that he had a crush on me. I have no feeling towards him in that way. Even if I did ever think of fooling around with him, it wasn't in the way that would be right. I would be doing it out of curiousity of how his mind worked and not out of passion for him or his body. I don't have those feelings but sometimes I get swept away by the power of emotions others feel for me. I have a hard time saying no.

When we were drinking I didn't say no to him touching me a little or telling me things, only because I think we both new it was temporary. He kept trying to make that bridge happen but in the end I defended myself. I was not all good but I was a little good. Perhaps that is good enough. I was drunk afterall.

We all got to talking about the guys who were my brother's friends that I have had crushes on after he confessed having a crush on me. I have this terrible habit of falling for guys or lusting after ones my brother befriends. They are all so sweet and perfect and handsome. Nick was my first. He will always be in my heart because I'm silly like that. If he or Brandon were ever to give me a chance, I might cry. And Gary is a dreamboat. Nick we never knew if he liked me or not but we talked about how he changed into such a stud. Such a hot Italian studmuffin. Gods.... After him was Eric. I liked Josh about the same time as that. My brother said that while I liked Eric, he didn't really notice me. Then once I told him, he liked me and I didn't like him. That came from getting to know him though. He ended up being kinda judgmental and forceful, in my opinion. He scared me a bit because he was different from what I had imagined him as. We didn't bring up Josh but this reminds me of how I liked him. After going out with him, I knew I had been wrong. I knew I didn't want him, that he was the wrong choice for me. Then years alter I got back together with him cause I thought perhaps it might have been a mistake. He was so easy to talk to and such a great guy... I just didn't have that chemistry and comfortableness with him like I needed. I needed it so badly. I found that with Gary. A new hope in life. A little dream that everything could be so different. That I could learn something from this dreamboat of a man. I thought that I could be the girl that he could rest his weary head on and lay down on a blanket with at a park. I wanted to kiss him from his shoulders to his chest and feel the curves of his hips. Turns out he was always after someone else whenever I liked him. What heartbreak. I soared so high after we went on that Santa Cruz trip with the boys. He made me so happy. I thought we had a connection, an understanding that I really really liked him.

In the end, I don't think I was right for him anyway. I probably am not right for any of them. Only a few of them were tall, which in the end leads to the guy resenting me because I'm emasculating him. I don't think any of them were at all dominant like I need them to be. When I imagine the person I need, I think of a guy who fights for control in the relationship. He takes charge in some things and I in other. He wouldn't be able to cook or would prefer that I cook. I'd love if he read a bunch and played video games. I wish he would enjoy just having me there while he played games or worked on his computer. I would want us to be the same - I would be on my computer while he read or something. Sounds wonderful. He could pick me up or hug me from behind and tell me we need to go exploring - get for a while. "We need to go on an adventure, let's go now" I wouldn't even need to ask where cause we would just go. We could get lost and he wouldn't get mad or at least he would try not to. He could protect me in his arms and take all my whining or s**t when my feet hurt. I'd want to be the girl to lie on his chest at night and play silly games so each day is interesting.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just dreaming. I haven't been in all that many relationships. I don't know very much and perhaps I have no clue. All I know is that I'm not settling anymore. I'm not getting into any relationship with any guy who doesn't turn me on physically. If he doesn't want me back... I'm a hot mofo I can move on and get someone else. There will be other people. I can do this.

The book I'm reading is a bit dark but very helpful. It's realistic and modern in its approach to the Circus. It's kinda amazing how dedicated I can get to a story once I'm really into it. I'll do the research. I wish I was like this with school. Lol.

Okay, you know how I like to make up plots and what not... I look at Scooby-Doo and think of that as the ultimate model. I would fangirl and tear up if I ever got to meet those people. I mean, they are amazing. I'd want to meet the creators of each of the different re-envisionings of the series. Most importantly, I would want to meet the original creators and those who are working on Mytery Inc. I fangirl so hard. I mean, it's brilliant. I am in awe of how they can work these stories together. I want to be part of something like that one day. One day I will work on something to that level. Scooby Doo, you amaze me and make my world shiny & new.