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I has felt a bit strange lately to type out what is going on in my life right now to this journal. There are flashing moments where I really want to tell everyone and then the moment passes and I loathe the idea of other people hearing all these other thoughts in my head. I am extremely bi-polar or manic at this point.

It has been wonderfully refreshing for me that San Francisco has rained the last two days. I feel this wave of winter pleasure within me. Seeing the rain, even on those strange sunny days, makes me body flush with smells and memories. I feel lips on my skin and the memory of tending to a fireplace in the dead of night. I feel the true gift of winter upon me when I see that San Francisco rain.

The rain pelting on my skin is another story. I feel cold and dead. I used to run and skip in the rain but lately I have been running. I have been flat out running to get to where I am going if it rains. The feel of the wet droplets is like oil. Even when I brush the wet remains from my skin, I feel its affects. I am sick with the knowledge that it touched me, that I was loved by it.

Rain, you are my lover and my abuser.

I'm either dealing with allergies or a cold as of two days ago. I wake up everyday with a stuffy nose and the runny nose continues on through the day. When I wake up I feel sick to my stomach cause of all the mucus I've had go down my throat. It's most likely allergies since I hardly ever get sick. I literally get sick once a year in San Francisco and it is usually really clear, like no question about it kind of clear.

Creatively, I haven't drawn in a long time. I haven't given myself the chance because I was being so unpredictable. I locked myself indoors and gave myself things to do for busywork. I know how this thing goes and how ugly it can get. I'm just trying to manage it in the only way I know how.

I think all my power comes from having friends. I think having those friends that believe in my work is what really gets me motivated. I have no faith in myself and I don't usually do large projects just for me. If I do try things for myself, I usually end up stopping halfway. I LIKE to do things for other people. I ******** love the joy of following their orders but also coming up with new things. I love working with other people, collaborating. Gods I miss it.

Gods. Gods, I miss my friends right now. I want Firefly and Silleh and Rin. Rin hasn't come back. I don't think I'll get to say goodbye to her. It breaks my heart. I just wish she would have said goodbye to me. Just... a "I need time off" would have been nice. I'm not mad. I'm not mad at all. I'm lonely and sad. I am so sad without her. I get like this when any of those friends leave. Lol. I remember when Firefly had to leave cause of school and when Roku's power was out.

I'm such a spoiler princess in comparison to my friends. I honestly like being provided for. The comfort is an enormous weight off my shoulders. When finances get tight, I stress out like a rooster at dawn.

Gods I hate my life.

I watched Sons of Anarchy tonight. It reminds me of my Daddy-kins. Please forgive me for typing that, I'm being sentimental. My dad's the best. I want to see him but I can't. My weekends are all booked up and honestly, I don't know if I could face them right now. What would I say? It would be so awkward there without my brother. My brother is half the reason I even bother going home. I like the buffer. I love even more that I get to support him and he gets to be there for me. I love our friendship. I would miss him too much at the house.

That house is not my home, not anymore.

I hate thinking about sleeping in that bed. I hate thinking about that window. The window that penetrates my dreams. The place where so many dreams of rapists and kidnappers have occurred. The window that I have shared memories with friends and secret romances with the night sky. That damn sky. The room with my ******** trunk. The room with the envelope. The necklace. The ******** smell. Those damn sheets. Gods, I don't even want to sleep there again. I even remember when they put in the flooring and I wasn't allowed to sleep in that room. I had to sleep on the couch.They didn't even ask.

Heh. All those dreams from that room will never come true. My secret door in the back of the closet will never help me escape reality. But you know what, at least none of those nightmares will ever comes true either. I won't ever be assaulted or imprisoned or hunted. My brother will grow old and learn to live a happy life. My parents will always protect me until my dying day and my brother's cat will never be possessed by a demon or turned purple.

I miss Renji.

I miss me.

Each day it rains I feel a little bit of the good me come back. I feel as those the me I want is slowly rising from the water. Only after drowning myself in the sea of despair can I learn what I really like about myself. Rising from its tide, I only take what little remains of myself I need and like to start fresh. Thank you ocean gods, for blessing me. I only wish the Moon goddess could see the transformation.

When I die, my soul will go to her. I will dance and be watched over by the Moon Goddess. My fate will be in her hands; to hold me prisoner or to give me new life. She is my reaper and creator of new worlds. I love her with all my being, and also hate her. She has my everything, and yet nothing.... not yet.