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I spent the weekend back with my folks.

Saturday night I arrived and they had a dinner for my Grandma. My uncle Ken and aunt Michelle were there. She kinda reacted funny towards me. I was very erratic and outspoken though, in all fairness. My mom and I were kidding around with each other and playing off the energy we tossed back and forth. It was prolly a bit overwhelming.

Sunday I went out with my Grandma and Dad for lunch/breakfast. We spent the day with her which exhausted both of us. We were falling asleep at her house. Naturally when I got back I wanted a nap. My mom threw a tissy like usual. I got my way in the end and slept in till 5 or 6. We had dinner and I got to stay up all night nursing my fire. I made s'mores in secret.

I was able to sleep with Renji the first night and Solo the second.

Monday I woke up early and walked with my mom. She turned in her car to get a scratch repaired. She said it was huge but in reality it was tiny. I don't know why she needs to fix it, silly woman. When we got back my dad and I went out to get movies for his Xmas party at work. Last year the movies he got were a big success and I always have fun advising him and picking ones out. I love digging for movies. On the way back home, I spotted Jared. For once, I called out to someone from my past without hesitating. I just went for it. We hugged and talked and then went out separate ways.

I felt buzzed and proud the rest of the day.

I walked away from the trip with three new pairs of jeans, all of which were old pairs of my mother's so I didn't even have to go shopping to find them. I also gained some important memories with my rents. The Saturday morning spent with my Dad, I asked him about how he thought he did raising us. He said that he thought he was a bad dad. My precious Dad had that look that most guys in movies or shows have when they think they are terrible fathers or are scared to have a kid cause they think they would be bad at it. He looked heartbroken. I didn't tell him out of pity or because I wanted to cheer him up; I said, "You've always been my favorite." I explained how I always felt he was there for me when I needed it most and I would have never gotten through all the volleyball crap without him. I prolly would have killed myself ages ago without him. I didn't say that but, you get my point. He almost cried on me while driving the car.

It's a funny thing to see your parents as older versions of kids.It's one thing to say or read about it and another thing to actually see it in front of you. I look at them and see how I could be at the age, but in my age now. I still can't grasp what it means to give up things for yourself for another person or how it is to see someone who came from you but I can grasp how they are older versions of us. I can see how my Dad likes to have someone point out little things he does right or how he is so vulnerable but can't show it because he doesn't know how to talk about it. I can see how my mom crumbles because she wants to go out but doesn't want to be alone at the same time. I see how she feels trapped by herself and the situations.

I almost wish that they could be vulnerable around us like we were friends but at the same time, I know it stresses me out. I worry non-stop about financial things when they have brought it up. I have resented and hated because someone hurt my mother in a certain way. I try to forgive and forget but I've never been any good at that junk. Well, at a time I was good at it. Lol. I must have lost touch.

Turns out my roommate is going to be around for Thanksgiving at the apartment. This puts a huge dent in my plans. I have no idea what I am going to do and my head is spinning with this dilemma. I feel more trapped than ever because I need to go through with my plans.

Stupid visit home has me clinging on, battling with myself. I hate that s**t. I watched Girl, Interrupted and Virgin Suicides. I tend to do this when I need a good cry. When I feel like I need the rain or want to go dancing around the streets, I turn to these movies to put a temporary cap in me. Until I discover and fix the problem, I need to freeze the emotions. They grow by doing this, but the temptation to overflow is much weaker.

Well, I should go to sleep. I have a lot I need to do Tuesday. I have to play some major catch-up. I need to get over these blues.

Gods, Jared is as cute as he ever was. Psh. Bummer. I don't think he's ever been interested in more than friendship with me. I wish I knew who ever had a crush on me growing up. I would seriously enjoy that. I don't mind sharing that kind of information in the slightest. I liked people for various reasons: personality, charm, looks, interests.... I think if I had two people that I could have passes for it would be: Blake Cline and Brandon Bordeaux. I don't think I could ever really meet them or get with them but... if.... they would be my two I would want a freebie on. There are lots of others I still cling to but, I would be satisfied with a flirt or makeout and not all the way. Lol. I think I'm a bit of a slut? Ha ha. That or I just have trouble controlling myself since I never got used to it. I was so used to denying the urges and feelings that I don't know how yet to control them or use them. Maybe one day...