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I received another gift from the anonymous benefactor. I feel like I need to journal about it because I'll want to look back at the exact moment and I need to get it out of my system that someone acknowledged me. Someone acknowledged me.

It is the same little flutter in my heart when someone that I respect likes my avatar outfits or artwork. It has that initial swell of joy and excitement that fades into an ominous or hateful thing.

In my art the hate is usually turned back on myself because I could be so much better. With this it is a hate at the hope the message brings with it. Because it is anonymous, I keep thinking it is someone from my past. That glimmer of hope burns so bright but I know I shouldn't think things like that because it will never be who I want it to be. It will never be someone returning that has spurred me. They are all gone and it is my fault.

True, we are both to blame but because I have moved on to the point of acknowledging it and desire for change, it is more of my responsibility to do something about it.

By and by, I talked with my brother tonight and you know what irks me: I have friends and I do try to get that everyday chat thing going but I CANNOT BE THE ONE TO CALL EVERY DAY. I did that. I did my time. I won't do it again. I won't do it again until I am head over heels, most likely this summer.

Oh and because I'm watching all these stripper, burlesque, and whore films... I keep thinking about what extremes I would do if I had to move back home since that could very well be the case in this coming year. I'd do anything to get away and stripping at my age isn't really all that dramatic. I mean, I'm already a ******** creature of the night. I would just need to loosen up sexually, that's for sure. I still get freaked out by perverts and stuff. Oh who the hell am I kidding, I couldn't do it. LULZ. I'm way too much of a frosty prude for it. I've never even been in a strip joint. DREAM THE ******** ON.

Oh yea, I'm sure you've noticed that I HAVE NOT GONE TO BED YET AND I NEED TO BE SLEEPING RIGHT THIS MINUTE.