I don't think there will ever be a time that I won't be double sided. I think the therapy and drugs are only there to help make it more manageable. I'm cursed for life. This tiny part of me plays such a huge role in everything. It is the duality that causes confusion in my relationships and in situations with regular people. At every turn I am forced to either live with exile due to fear and confusion or to explain myself to every soul that I disrupt. It's completely depressing.
It is easy to say that you understand what is going on with me, or at least I think it is, but it is more difficult to actually deal with it in person and not take it personally. Yes, I apologize for my actions but the memory of my smiling face as I do something terrible is very hard to forget. It causes this seed of fear and distrust to grow in a relationship. I just... can't help myself. I literally cannot stop myself sometimes because it comes on so quickly. I will be walking calmly down the street then I see the full moon and I'm all of a sudden twirling and dancing in the streets. I sing and jump around like a child. It's.... that part of me. It's not all of me, but a very big side that I have trouble with. Just, promise you won't hate me for it?
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Fragmented Self who wanders through life like a dreamer and wades through the river of dreams as though it were the only truth left in this world
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