When I seem broken hearted, maybe I should take into account that it isn't your fault. It's not that you set yourself up with someone just to fail and destroy something. It isn't like you have a devious plan in mind. You want to be loved by anyone and anything that passes your way. You extend a hand to strangers to win their affections and fill that empty place.
With that in mind, how do you fill the empty heart by yourself?
I don't know if I can say that I love myself enough for that because I have times where all that crumbles apart. I have so much guilt and anger for things that have happened to me. Being ******** by random guys and purposefully destroying one of the last relationships that really help me together, there are strong reasons for me to doubt.
And when I do finally feel like someone is getting close to me, I push them away. I play it like a game because maybe I'm scared that I'll sabotage it again? am I scared that they will hurt me when I have nothing? I can't quite say.
I keep using my past with my suicide stuff for my fiction writing class. I wrote the 10-minute play on being in high school. I wrote the fiction piece about the time in the hospital. I think writing about it all helps me. The thing that helps most about it is that I have to learn how to present it so that outsiders get some of the same meaning out of it that I do. That is the greatest lesson that I am learning right now.
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Fragmented Self who wanders through life like a dreamer and wades through the river of dreams as though it were the only truth left in this world
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