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what to say.....what to say....
I suppose it is okay to admit to a few forlorn feelings i have been having lately.
I don't want to seem like to bad of a person, however the truth will set you free.

I guess I will begin with my heart being broken. It is such a common factor in so many problems today that the world looks at it as 'whiny' then turns around and cries out "help me!!" when the problem arises for themselves. I am one of these hypocritical instances.
I fell in love way to soon and stayed with a potential life threat.
I left after twelve consecutive instances of infidelity.
And I am left now as an empty shell of my former self.

When I felt as though all hope was lost and began to retreat back into the small plucky turtleneck of my life, I was pulled up and out by an unexpected visitor. My older brother. He just recently began to become a vision for who I wish to be. And instead of putting me down for my choices as usual, he intended on helping me to better my upcoming ones.

This showed up at a particularly grave time in my life as I had already made plans to run away with a complete stranger. I began to go to church with my brother and relished in his attention and that of his friends and began to develop strong bonds with them.

one in particular stood out to me and scared the hell out of me. He is taller than me but of an average height with average eyes and average body. Not to mention average sense of humor and completely average everything else. Yet I couldn't begin to slightly remove him from my thoughts. He began to become mixed into the daydreams of my former love and would replace his image in my memories to where I began to forget my former love's voice and even face.

This thought scared me. if i could forget someone whom I was ready to give my life for, how quickly could I be forgotten when I wasn't even the only woman?

I reached out to my former love in hopes that I was remembered. I wasn't dissapointed when all I began to hear was pleads to come back and promises that
I'd be the only one. Normally when I'd give into the need to be loved by him I began to imagine a life with him again and couldn't see a change. My choices were greatly influenced by the happiness I so recently began to acquire.

I turned him down and now am ecstatically talking to the Above average Average guy. <3 However, I find myself often imagining being in my former love's arms at night and when I have a moment's peace. Does this, dear reader, make me a helpless lunatic?