I am in the middle of a breakdown and I do not understand why. It is obviously a low point of my bipolar but it is hitting me really hard. I think about killing and hurting myself everyday, for at least four days now. I want to give in to make it stop or tell Jon so maybe he could help but I don't want to be a burden or hurt him. I kind of warned him. I'm so ******** crazy and messed up. I'm scared that he will leave too because of it. I could start over with someone new but I don't want to. I really want to be with him for as long as we can. I just.... Really like him.
When I am in the car I envision turning the wheel and crashing into walls or poles. I think about racing through a light and getting crashed into. I hear the crunch and feel the whipping of my body... But it never happens. It is all in my mind. My ******** mind. I have been picturing climbing out of a moving car the dancing around before screaming bloody murder at the sky. I don't want to. I don't. I feel it. I want it out of me. How do you get rid of thoughts or feelings the mind produces? Otherwise it will cycle through and haunt me again later.
I hate you.
I hate you so much.
You are damaged.
You are broken.
I hate you.
Broken
Broken
Broken
Broken
Broken horrid thing.
And yet, I love you so.
Hold me close and drink my moonlight.
I will heal you.
I will fix your wounds.
I love you.
I love you, pretty pretty thing.
I love you.
You are mine.
...
And I am yours, my love.
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Fragmented Self who wanders through life like a dreamer and wades through the river of dreams as though it were the only truth left in this world
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