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I suddenly felt the need to write down everything I was feeling in this moment
Here I am living with a bunch of boys, finding that I have changed so much from where I was a year ago, according to the pictures, and screenshots of past texts I had received from Riley all saved on events in my laptop.
Q's laugh is getting annoying to me.
I've really just found out/realized how disappointed and sad and depressed I am with what I have become.
Sorry, no time for grammar checks. This is all in the moment time of stuff.
But anyways, I started to realize this from last night, looking at those pictures all the way from 2011, and now, this morning, sitting in on my 8am calculus II class, not understanding a word my professor, (excuse me) instructor was saying/explaining. (He's not even a professor, and refuses to be called one. Wtf.)
I used to be some math genius and prided myself in being one, and was embarrassed to say how much I loved math and thought how easy and simple it was. HA, I miss those days.

Fragile N.4 Like Crazy (Music from the Motion Picture) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uVZT1roV8w

But because I have skipped out on a year in my education, there's that gap where i learned so much more about the real world. When I got a new job. Two new jobs, and I finally moved out of the house, speaking against my parents. I give myself an A for surpassing my sister there, but that gap is still there. Obviously, I am far below and behind from my graduating class now; they're all juniors, looking for internships and "real-world" jobs, probably, and I'm here, beginning and struggling my sophomore year. I have never ever struggled this much, this hard. And it scares me.

The fact that I need help is terrifying me, and I keep delaying it. My first tutor Lucas was very willing to help, but I made the excuse that I couldn't afford him. (He cost $15 an hour, and I really actually can't afford that, with rent, groceries, and credit card bills to pay yet).
In reality, I felt like he made me feel so stupid, sighing, re-explaining to me over and over and over again, the things he had taught me literally 2 minutes ago. I just wasn't grasping it.
I was failing my computer science class, so I dropped it.
Why? Because I was afraid. Again.
The instructor again, taught things like everyone in the lecture hall knew what he was talking about, and there was I, just doodling in class, on my phone, because I felt I was the only one there that didn't understand, and thought I could do so much more with my time if I wasn't going to pay attention. So I skipped. All the time.
I stopped going to the lab days because I didn't want to embarrass myself with terrible quiz scores. 20%, 10%, 5%. Those were the grades I was getting. One day I actually emailed my TA to retake the quiz, and argued with her to allow me to take them. She told me to talk to the stupid instructor for permission, and I was hesitant, but she talked to him herself, and he gave her the ok.
So I looked up the office hours, but there was no room number where she was going to be located. I looked all over for her, is what I tell everyone, but in reality I just peeked into rooms, pretending I was just passing through. I didn't dare go into any of the rooms, what with a bunch of eyes staring at me like, "Wtf are you doing here, you don't belong here." Making me sweat.
I had to email her again, and she somewhat scolded me, and said the room number was posted on their page, but under the instructor's office hours. Dumbasses, how was I supposed to know that they were in the same place?
So i waltz in there another day, at the agreed time, and I don't see my TA. I see the instructor though, and I give him a smile, and a cheery, "Hello!", and start to walk toward him. and what does he do? At first, gives me some serious side eye, then looks right at me, without saying anything, with a look of death. He hates me. Then I looked around and saw my TA, pretended I was just passing my instructor, just giving a nice hello, and ran over to her.
I took my quizzes (2 missed now,) and failed them. I got a 20% and a 5%. I think. I'm sure I got a 5% on one of them. I hated it.
So I dropped it, finding out that next semester's class was going to be taught my the professor/doctor that went with us to the Grace Hopper Celebration event/conference in Houston, Texas.
I told myself and convinced everyone around me that it was the smarter choice, taking another W on my transcript, rather than an F in a class that I was majoring in. I felt bad. Others were saying the same. "But isn't that your major?" Yes. It also made me rethink what I wanted to do.
Q's laugh is so, very annoying right now. Time for headphones. Grabbing my probably cold coffee cake right now. brb.