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Song in my head: Yuri On Ice

I'm so ashamed
i'm so ashamed of myself, for being so extremely selfish. I blame everything on him while I should be blaming myself. I want this relationship to be as beautiful as it was in the beginning, but I've forgotten to truly cherish my fiance and began to worry about myself instead of us as a whole.

I want to show him how much I love him, how much I hurt right now. How much I'm afraid of losing him, even though I know he won't leave me. I'm afraid of losing him to the world, now that he's started his career. I need to read that book they gave me about dealing with this kind of stuff.
I need to buy that other book too. I think it's called In love With A Cop? Not sure.

I wanted to write this because I was starting my homework and Smokey climbed on top of me. The homework is due in about an hour and 30 minutes but I realized after Smokey came to cuddle, that I won't remember this stress and this homework in a month, a year, or so from now. This homework is only being done so I can study and pass the class I need to graduate. Smokey is cuddling my arm and I'm not sure if he knows how old he is. I don't even know how old he is. I want to give him all the time I can before he's gone, which made me think of Riley, asleep in the next room, finally having a good night's sleep after his first night on the job.

I don't know, my mind is everywhere now.
But now I know I work better when I'm laying on the couch with Smokey on my stomach ahahhahaha.