Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

This weekend has been one hell of a ride for me. Outside of all the overtime at work, which was a real big deal of work than I thought, I've been struggling with my emotions and thoughts as always. It's getting slowly better and better, but not till it gets to the point I can't handle it anymore and I resort to typing everything out here.

So what majestic thoughts do I have to share this time? What sort of emotional story am I going to regale you? Well, nothing I've ever written here has done any of the sort and it's more likely to have been just whining and crying.

Besides all that, I've been trying to get over her. Yes, for the ten thousandth time, trying to get over her. I guess what I've never wrote is why it's so hard to get over her. It's easy to see why it's so hard when you see all the love I have for her in my chest and how I can't stop dreaming about her. Seeing her wherever I go and finding her scent in places I couldn't possibly imagine why other than to ******** with me further and further.

What I haven't said is one of the reasons why it's so hard to let her go is because she was my world. She was my stars and my sun. When she was happy, my world was on fire of passion and joy. When she was sad, I did everything to help stave off the rains of sadness and depression, doing whatever I could to bring back her soft smiles. She was my dreams come true and that was all I ever needed.

So, when you lose someone that important to you... It does take some time to actually get over them. Maybe a lot more time than I could ever have in my life, considering all the random "IS THAT STEPHANIE OVER THERE?!" moments I keep having on a day-to-day basis.

I've been talking to some ladies, taken them out to dates, and doing the things I've always wanted to do as a real boyfriend... Only to find how hollow the feeling really is when it isn't her. How I look and wish with all my heart it's her that I'm sitting across, sharing a burger and fries with. How I wish it was her that I'm watching getting all excited with me while playing a video game. How I would love to share a gun with her on the same screen, fighting back to back zombies or whatever the ******** the game is about...

Realistically, it has been getting a bit easier and easier to get over her.. Slowly, but somewhat surely. I keep playing her voice in my head telling me to leave, reading her messages telling me to go.. So that helps just a bit. I don't cry so hard anymore for her and I don't hate myself so much anymore for losing her.

Looking back at us, though, I think to myself something someone told me. How she wants someone to satisfy all their desires and that's why she's into a polyamory life style.. which got me to thinking about have I ever felt like I was truly satisfied in any of my relationships.

The reason I bring up sex so much is because I.. I enjoy sex. I can't help myself to that and that's what I want in my relationship; Someone who can dominate me in the bed and in the every day. Someone who is honest and truthful with me about her emotions and her thoughts about me. Someone who can put down her sword and shield to cry on my shoulder when she's weak. Someone who can let me cry on her shoulder without criticizing me. Someone I can proudly show off to my family and friends because I feel so goddamn lucky to have her in my life. Someone who feels exactly the same and is as eager to do the same. Someone who enjoys or tolerates my hobbies and inspires me to do what I want to do in my life (that isn't going to hurt them).

Thinking of Ally, no. I wasn't satisfied with the sex, her personality at times, her family, and the lack of will to do anything for herself unless I really pushed her at it.

Thinking of Ari, no. I couldn't stand her back and forth that I felt she always looked for a fight with me no matter what, the sex wasn't that bad and I could see myself happy with it, family might have been an issue.

Thinking of Jen, Hell No. I am not able to handle her petty s**t. Sex aside, there is no redeeming qualities in my head for her.

Thinking of Dominique, no. Sex was great but that was pretty much it. She had this delay reaction to everything I said, kinda like Jen, and would get easily offended by many of the things I would say and make a big deal over something very minor.

Thinking of You... It's hard to explain.. In the beginning, everything was chaotic because we were both young and trying to figure everything out together on what a relationship should be. After we fell apart due to my cheating and lying ways, I really tried to fix myself on that. When you came back and thought I was better, I wasn't and I was always trying my best to make things up to you. I always felt like my best was never enough for you and that you never saw me as an equal, rather a child in your eyes. The sex... No, it wasn't sex. It was making Love and that was the best I've ever had and will ever have in my life. Nothing will ever come as close to as what we shared together.

I just always felt like I had to hold my breath otherwise I'd make a mistake and have you getting mad at me or disappointed at me. What made this paranoia worse was that you never told me anything. EVEN AFTER THE CONVERSATION, the 'last one' as it stands now, I had to pull everything out of you. I had to get you to open up just to help close both of our wounds. That's what I need in my relationship: SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT THEY FEEL AND WHEN I DO SOMETHING THEY DON'T LIKE TO TELL ME. Not to be an enabler and let me do as I wish only to get mad at me later on as if I was suppose to know was bothering you start with. Yes, cheating on you without telling you is a huge ******** problem and that isn't something I need you to tell me because that's rather obvious. But not telling me that certain things bother you that I do is an issue.

Other than all of that, I was satisfied. I enjoyed every minute of our relationship and I wish I could hold onto those fragments of time better... I feel each shard slowly slipping out of my heart and hands, feeling it disappear to reality that it will never happen again...

Alright, it's freezing again in my room.. Time to turn the heater on and find my way back to sleep, hoping my dreams don't find their way back to your arms... again.