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I have been watching Tutors. Finished season one tonight. On to season two. Still haven't finished those last 5 episodes of Merlin yet. I started two Korean dramas and they were both good, but I have been working on revamping my old Zodiac roleplay so I need something that doesn't require my full attention.

I've been hanging out with Jon just about every other week? I know it wasn't the initial reason that I decided to really hangout with him again, but now I find spending time with him gives me clarity in other aspects of my life. It may just be that social events help me or getting outside. Today's hangout has driven home the idea that every relationship brings something to the table. I went on a date near the beginning of this month and have struggled processing it since then, but using the "bring something to the table" mentality it makes more sense. It's essentially asking why you would keep someone around, if they add anything to your life. This guy had interesting things about him, such as working as a comedian in the past and fairly handsome with a good personality, but he wasn't an interesting person because the conversations were dead. I would ask him about say, his interest in dogs and he would kill it with a short answer. It's like asking "How are you" and the person replies "Fine." They don't engage you in the conversation at all or give you more meat to chew on, or in my case there is plenty to ask him about but there's never any effort made to ask me anything so it seems he doesn't want to get to know me. And I'm aware people think this behavior is okay on dates as a nervous tick or a personal preference to get to know someone over time, but it puts up a wall so it is more difficult to develop intimate feelings for the other person. In my experience, when the get to know you over time situation has been put up, the guy gets frustrated because he wants to have sex before you or you becomes disinterested altogether because it takes too much effort to go on a date or get to know them. My experience.

So point of all that is, I realized that I was putting in more work to the relationship from even the first date than he was. I did not feel very good and even though I said I wanted a second date, I'm gonna back out of this one. In my dealings with Jon, I've noticed that I'm a rock for him. I kind of "get it" and give him that empathy he wants or needs. It's just comforting to have someone like that and our relationship doesn't work past a friendship thing because I want that rock kind of relationship with a man, and he can't give it to me. I cannot feel safe with him in that same way that he feels safe with me. I know that he won't be able to understand or accept all of my feelings. I cannot come to him for all circumstances. It just, doesn't work. He makes me feel worse a lot of the time. When we were first dating, I was happy about his personality because I thought he would be someone more stable for me. Christy and Andrea have both agreed that I need that kind of man, but Jon doesn't have the empathy aspect of that logical thinking or practicality. He is dependable, in most ways, and completely loyal in that he will both follow you and attempt to make you smile if he can do something about it. The flaws in that are that he cannot anticipate things that will make you smile and he is only able to follow or be loyal if he can also stand by it. It feels like there's always some condition that excuses him for things and you'll always be the one at fault in the relationship. Bleck.

Went to the library and checked out two books OWO Yay for Garth Nix and his Old Kingdom series <3 I also downloaded the Otome games again for kicks. I know, I shouldn't have but it won't last long. I am gonna sign off and might play my Kingdom Hearts DD on the 3DS. I need to get a bit farther but also might just Hearthstone. Derp.