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Do you ever think a man/woman/boy/girl/kid/person (Whichever you might choose to label them) ever reaches a point where they say, "Wow, this is too far, too much." and loses it? I know I have thought it happens, in fact I know it happens. But can we all be such a full judge of ourselves to know when "Too much" is really too much? How can we truly know when we hit that point?

I reached this conclusion one day while I was on a break at work, thinking of all the things i've lost or missed out on. Truly, I yearn for nothing, and I have never had a NEED for anything, thanks to my parents, but what did I really miss out on? Probably alot. Just sitting there thinking about that, I happened to glance over and see a family of four, A mom, a dad, and 2 boys. Strangely enough, thats the same family we held. My mom, my Dad, and me and my brother. I was struck by the sudden thought that we had never, ever, as a family, come to a McDonald's or anything like that while we were young and just had some fun. Oh, me and my Dad have gone and played paintball, and my brother has joined in. I have done things with my mom and had fun, but we never fully did it as a family. As now as I sat back and thought about those things, I realized, I've lost that chance, permanently. Im 17 now, I can never fit into the playplace ever again, and I no longer have married parents. Is my family better for the divorce? Yes I suppose in some ways, but in other ways, it's destroyed me more than you can imagine. I might still seem like the happy little fool to you all, joking around and taking my hits as I give them, but deep down, it still hurts. I have another father-like figure in my life, the one my mom chose to love, and I wont yell or be angry at her for it, but adapting is needless to say, painful. My Dad was never around, and has never really been around thanks to the Navy, but also, he was there supporting when we needed it, financially at least. And it hurts to think that my Dad might not have played that much of a whole father figure in my life, and that my mom and grandma may have played the most parentlike roles in my life. It truly is hard to think of those such things, especially when you realise that you're losing time with your family as you go.
Did you know the average human only lives roughly 100years, if that? And here I am at 17, still thinking about what i've ALREADY missed, what am I going to say when im 27? Or when im 37? What does life really throw at me? Do we ever know whats going to come at us? No, not at all. But there are ways we come up with to cope with it, but sometimes it just isnt enough. And I suppose I came up with my ways to cope with the divorce, but i dont really think they're adequate enough anymore. Like I said, it hurts, it really does. Honestly, I feel like I can never recover that whole family like feel that I wanted ever again, I dont think it'll ever be possible. My mom has a boyfriend now, soon to be my Step-father, and my Dad has a girlfriend, maybe/possibly my new Step-mother. Do I love them? Yes, in a way, but they can never replace the respective figures that I was born to. Kevin (Mom's boyfriend) will never be the techno geek that my Dad is, Kevin will never be able to play EverQuest with me because he just cant read that much. Chong (Dad's girlfriend) will never be able to have a full and complete understanding with me, thanks to language barriers, and she'll never be able to truly go shopping with me, because she just doesnt like what I like. There are things that just fit and things that don't, and I suppose my mom and Kevin fit better than my Mom and Dad ever did, I just cant take the fact that i'll never be able to live with either my Mom or my Dad ever again and just feel comfortable. I dont honestly feel comfortable where I live anymore, its not really a home to me anymore. I do know they all love me here, but it's just not the same anymore. I have my own room, I have access to anything I want, I can do what I want usually without anyone naysaying it at all, but theres an uncomfort here that I can never get rid of, and it's Kevin. I don't neccesarily hate him or blame him for anything thats happened, even though he was the catalyst for the divorce to happen. Its not really his fault, it's emotions my Mom and my Dad have bottled up for a long time and then waited until just lately to unleash. I suppose most would truly blame it on Kevin, but I cant do that, it's just not in me. I've found that I can love everyone, just on different levels, but i've never been sure wether I can love someone and be someone's soulmate, I dont know if im capable of it anymore. My parent's divorce truly cut down my thoughts of soulmate and true love, because i thought they WERE truly in love, and soulmates. Thats the way parents are supposed to be, right?

I guess not.

And oddly enough, all of this came from me while I was sitting there, just watching this family load into a Windstar van, ironically the same exact model and color that My mom used to own and drive around all the time. I don't really consider it a sign from God, no, but I think it may be a mere coincidence reminding me to think on my past and decide what I need to do for my future, but it all boils down to the crux of it all, the fact that "Is it just too much?". I suppose I have gotten to this point now, from my own perspective. I understand that as much as I have lost, I have also gained from these past 17 years. Unfortunately, im faced with the realities of life and such. I don't even think I can live out on my own when im 18, I may have to rely on my parents for the next 4 years after I turn 18 and "move out"... Even then, I don't think i'll be able to make it, because I know im in for some crushing things in this next year. I know that wedding plans will be made for my Mom and Kevin, and I know my dog will need to be put down sometime soon, and these are things that I can't really live with. I would like to say im emotionally imbalanced nowadays, but even with that excuse, I cant be sure. I know everyone calls me worthwhile, and sexy, handsome, lovable, whatever, but I don't and never have though of myself of those things. I have always thought of myself as the ordinary guy just trying to do his thing, but I suppose life has bigger plans for me? Maybe. Providing I can get through this coming year, and the next, I will know.


Here's to hoping.










-Edit-
On a side note, I got promoted. I am now a Crew Trainer at McDonald's and I make $7.90 an hour. Woo.