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<center> I'm depressed so go the ******** away
</center>
I feel...abnormal.
The past 5 days have been a hell for me, unlike anything else I have ever felt. I have that feeling I'm lost again. Maybe its just the feeling right now. I'm not sure to be honest. I just know I'm lost, and anxious. Very, very anxious for something to happen...
Some people say 'unlike anything I have ever felt' so casually, just a word they toss around to make their situation more emotionally appealing. I feel so odd though, that the more I say it the more truthful it becomes. The more meaning it holds. Its bad meaning though.
On Ragnarok, a girl I concidered my friend stole my 1.4million dollar bunny band and ran off with it. I was scammed. It hurts alot. She was like my best friend and she used me like that. I can't contact her or anything. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm paranoid too.
I don't like my old friends on RO anymore. I made all new ones. They no longer appeal to me anymore
Yet still I feel this void in myself that needs to be filled. At first I laughed it off, probably just sex or something as idiotic as that. Though as I think more on it I know its something more.
Oh yea, Kevin broke up with me. Actually, he said he just wanted to be friend and I agreeed. He flipped on me when I said 'Ok' and started yelling and s**t. I just walked away though. I don't have time for such silly time consuming things. He doesn't talk to me now, but its okay. One less thing I have to worry about.
It is weird to be single again. Boys are barking down my throat for me to 'be their girl', but I don't want that. I don't know what I want anymore...but a relationship is certainly soemthing I am not looking for. I just...don't see the point anymore.
I try to view myself in the future. I don't know for sure what will happen, but I can guess atleast. I don't think I will ever find true 'love'. Its just something I've been deluding myself with because it made me feel like the world wasn't such a bad place. I'm confident now it doesn't exist. Just a feeling you get when you see a person you want to mate with; nothing you conciously think...it runs more on instint. It may not be their body that attracts you, maybe their mind or personality...something you would want in offspring. Its so sad I thought otherwise for so long.
It somewhat hurts to know I will not find 'love'. To be honest, I liked that happy world I was mushed into. The world where one day I was going to marry a man who brought me happiness and security. Its all so primitive...the magic of it all has been lost to me.
It just...hurts so much. Yes, I am crying now. I mean...I am bound never to find a person who truely makes me happy...since I was like 7 that was my cute little dream. Its gone now...just like when I thought I would grow up into a beautiful princess. Nothing but childishness I wrapped myself in.
I wonder, does everyone think like this? Perhaps this is just a warped view of my mind. I tend to be warped sometimes.
Kevin fought with me all day about breaking up. I don't like to argue, I don't like to fight, I just want to be happy...content...thats all I want. Fighting does nothing...its primitive like that 'love' notation. Kev tried to stab himself too...his sister yelled at me. They all think its my fault. It isn't though. They can believe his lies just like Brandon believed Chris's lies. If it makes them happy, then so be it. Happiness is my only concern, even though I can never achieve it.
I just...stare into space nowadays. I haven't slept normally. Last night I didnt get to bed until 4am, because I was so anxious and eager for something to happen. I think I know what it is. I'm expecting these things I have said to be fake, just me being depressed. But....they're not, are they?
I stared at the ceiling all night, been doing that for days now. I am disguested with myself. I don't know why, but I hate being me. I really dispise my existance. I wish I'd die. Since I realized people cannot be trusted, what is the point anymore? Why do I live if what all I am told is just a lie? What if just a little of it is a lie? Why must people decieve...decieving is an art to me. I won't lie, I love tricking people. I con just to see what will happen, how will this and that person be in this and that sitatuion. People are fun to play with, such fickle emotional beings. I decieve for fun, because I have nothing better to do and because some people deserve it. Some people need to be lied to an dtoyed with until they wake the hell up and realize the world is not such a grand and dandy place...for example, what I did to Shadow. Not only did I get the pleasure of having someone wait on my every beckoning call, but he learned that not all girls are good girls; no matter what they seem.
I feel so empty inside.
Just dieing a slow and painful death.
Of which I caused myself.
Why?
Maybe I like to make myself suffer so.
Maybe I like to make myself hurt inside.
Maybe I like cutting myself to get rid of the emotional pain.
Maybe though, this is the easiest way to kill myslef without feeling any remorse.
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