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Current mood: Feeling sick, mentally & physically
Ugh, what can I say. Today was a mess, and now I feel awful, I don't even remember most of the day.
I mean, the day didn't start out bad, actually it was quite good.
You see, it's been about a week since the ball, I haven't spoken to Hatori or Link since then, hadn't even seen them. I was okay with that, Hatori and I are over. I'd seen it coming, I thought I was over it, I should be right? Anyway, I'm walking through the park with Beth, laughing about the things we normally laugh about. We passed the big tree by the benches when Beth got all big eyed. I turned to try and see what was up and she grabbed my shoulders.
"We should go riding!!" she half shouted. I couldn't understand her at all. one moment we're talking about school the next she gets all excited about riding.
"What are you..."
"No, really, your cousin works on the ranch right?"
"Yeah but..." I turned my head towards the swings. Children were dancing weightless in the wind, but I couldn't look very long. Beth had once again jumped in my veiw.
"Come on! It'll be fun. You might see Link."
"What're you doing Beth? What's over there you don't want me to see?" I laughed, the thought of Link making me grin.
"Nothing, it's nothing, I'm not," she defended. After a bit of pushing and shoving I looked, but she was right there was nothing to see. At least at first.
It didn't take me long to realize that I had made a big mistake by looking. From around the tree, walked Hatori, linked arm in arm with Kana. My face burned with anger, but I choked with tears. I shook my head looking away and trying to convince myself that it was over, that I shouldn't be crying.
"Are you all right?" beth asked softly. I nodded and gave her a smile.
"Maybe we should go home," I suggested as the fridged wind blew leaves in our direction.
"Okay..."
We walked for a while together, but then she had to turn toward her home. I waved a bit, then began to walk, but I couldn't. Home wasn't where I wanted to be. Everything there reminded me of Hatori. Everything from the desk to the birthday cards. Even the walk there would remind me of the countless times we'd walked together. Tears flooded my eyes before I could deny there existance.
"Why me?" I demanded the sky and headed back toward the park. Even there memories flooded me. There was nothing that I could do to stop them. I climbed onto a bench, and lay down, staring up at the sky.I felt haunted. Every cloud was his smiling face, and again every sound was his voice. I cried and cried. I don't remember if the tears ever stopped. I know that at some point, the sky darkened, and the temperature dropped. Already numb from tears, the cold bothered me little, but I could feel the wind ripping my skin. "I can't take this..." I muttered to myself. "It hurts too much..."
I don't remember much after or around that time, all I remember is that some time later, I woke up, stiff from sleeping on the cold bench. I wiped icicles from my eyes and stared up at the starry sky. Suddenly I sat up, night? How long had I been asleep?
I booked it home, as fast as I could anyway, my arms and legs frozen stiff, I did more of a hobble then a run, but I got home soon enough. I opened the door to remember that there was no one waiting for me at home, there was a party going on, I was supposed to be out with Beth.
That brings me to about now. I'm queasy and willing to think that I have a fever. I keep coughing, I'm not sure I'l ever get all that cold air and all those icicles out of my system. I miss Hatori badly, somehow, I guess I thought that it would change, that his feelings for me would be stronger.
I guess I was wrong. I have no one now, not even Link.