I haven't said anythin' for a while, so I've decided to talk about what's been on my mind for a while now. You see, I have this little imaginary world in my head, and in that world the character that symbolizes me is much younger then all his friends. This is probably because I see myself on the inside as bein' younger, due to the fact that puberty seems to have missed me. I say this because I still show many characteristics of a child, or at least I think so. I still have impracticle hopes and dreams, I can't decide things on my own, I just flat out act immature, I've never tried drugs, I've never had alcohol (except for a long time ago when my parents gave me a small sip), and I still have absolutley no desire in havin' sex, and I'm almost 18. I don't know if others are like this, but from what I can see a lot of people my age aren't like this.
Anyway, I'm gettin' off topic, this character in my imaginary world is much younger then all his other friends, and I keep thinkin' about the future for him when all his friends grow old and die before him. They all die from natural causes, simply old age, but the age difference makes their lives end before my characters.
This thought got me to thinkin' about death, but not in a really negative way. I understand that death is natural and it can come at any time. I accept death and don't fear it at all, yet, I dunno, I don't know if I understand myself too well. I say I don't fear death, but when I think about my biggest fears it blurs that statement. My biggest fears are bein' forgotten and the death of friends or loved ones, and since I'm ramblin' I might as well talk about 'em both.
I am a person who will always crave attention. Throughout my life I have been a complete idiot just so I could be noticed. I try my best to end it, I don't want to be like this, but I don't think I can change. I act modest at times and pretend like I don't want to be noticed, but I always do, and it makes me act like a real idiot sometimes. For instance, when someone is gettin ' more attention then me I tend to give explainations to others that will get them to focus less attention on them, and I really shouldn't do that. I've just always felt unimportant, which I'm sure millions of people feel. This is probably why people focus so much on bein' perfect, and lookin' perfect, and actin' perfect. They want others to remember them as perfect, because who's gonna remember some average person? Mind you, loved ones and friends will always remember them, but is it enough to make a person feel accomplished in life?
The other fear, as I mentioned, is death of a friend or loved one. I have lost a friend before, but I have to honestly say that I barely knew them. Even more, I teased them, and never considered them close. I have also lost a family member, but yet again I hardly ever saw them and never got to really know them, so does it really count? I keep wonderin' how I would react if someone who was really close to me or someone I talked to all the time went away. I know that people always tell others to stay happy because the perished person would want that, but is that really what they would want? Think about it, if you died would you want everyone to stay happy? This goes back to the bein' remembered thing actually. Lets make an example, say that you are movin' away to somewhere else and have to leave all your friends. If they recover fast from it and continue their life normally, wouldn't it make you feel a bit unimportant, like, you didn't really matter? And how is that different from leavin' the world? So how should you react to death, because bein' sad forever isn't the right choice either. I guess there's some sort of inbetween, or I guess times where you remember. I guess I won't know till I experience it, if I ever do experience it. I certainly hope I don't have to, one wish of mine is to be the first to go out of all I know and love, which is kind of selfish since my reasons for such a wish is that I don't want to have to go through it, but who can blame me? Maybe everyone thinks that way, and maybe that's why some people wish for death way too soon, but who knows?
Anyway, that's been a little taste of what's been on my mind. It kind of makes me scared of the future, because I don't want to watch my friends grow old and weaker, I already majorly over react when they get a minor illness or pain, which I'm sure everyone who reads this has experienced. I guess I shouldn't be thinkin' about this at my age, I got a long time to go before any of my friends or myself get old. I'm just gonna have to wait and find out what happens I suppose.
There's a ton more but my thoughts are all jumbled up, so I'll end the ramble at this, I just had to get the main thoughts off my chest, writin' 'em down does help a great deal, though I have trouble explainin' it at times. Anyhoo, this is long enough.
Oh yeah, and I'm not depressed or anythin' like that, just thinkin' about random stuff, and maybe thinkin' too hard. Eh, oh well.
Semok Community Member 
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