Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Last night I stayed the night at my Uncle Cody's house with my grandmother and other Uncle Dudley. I slept on the couch, Uncle Dudley slept on the air mattress, and grandmother slept with westley my youngest cousin.

Anyways to get to the point. Ive written how my soul is empty and such, well these past few days Ive been in a smart allec mood. I laid there falling asleep and since I was getting annoyed with myself I turned that on god. I challenged him, I was crazy.
I would never in my right mind ever ever put god to the test but I felt like Lt. Dan or whatever his name was on forest gump, and was looking straight up into the ceiling.

I told god that I didn't care, If he felt like changing me he could be my guest because I didn't really give a flip anymore. I felt in my heart more than that but I didn't have the courage to say it out loud even though its not like it was hidden because god already knows what I'm thinking.
But still,
I cant believe I said that, maybe to others that may seem like no big deal but to me its like feeling I dug my own grave. I have this extreme fear of god, I cant jump on the trampoline and think something bad because I just know I'll be struck by lighting. LOL, god is kind but still I fear him, which they say is wise.

Anyways, I went to sleep. And woke up in cold sweat and a fever, while shaking. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
I got up and went to the bathroom to write the dream down so now Im going to copy it from the tissue I wrote it on, which was not easy but I felt I had to write it.

OK here it goes.




I have just woken up from a very short dream I had.
Its the middle of the night right now. I am at Uncle Cody's house.I don't have the time on me, I'm writing this in his bathroom.
Ive been doing nothing to help myself to go to church, and bring myself closer to god lately. Ive been kind of shrugging it off. I'll do it later, that kind of thing.

Before I went to sleep. I asked god to help me, and seperate me from the filth of sin, then I got real smart allecky and said something I shouldn't have because I felt like god wasn't listening anyways, and he would blow me off.

I just had a very dark dream. Ive had dark dreams before but this was too real.
I was on my laptop sitting on my bed, it was midnight or something, I was on gaia. I have a playlist on gaia. I was listening to it, yet somehow I wasn't on it, but yet somehow I was.
Anyways the song O holy night sung by Celine Dion was playing. I kept thinking how beautiful it was, but I wasn't really feeling the words or hearing the message or story to the song. I usually cry to it. But it was like I was sort of dead to the meaning. But I was thinking how great it would be to add that to my playlist so other people could hear it. It was beautiful.
For some reason I had to go to my closet to look up the song, I have no idea how that was, but it was. I walked into it and said something I cant remember.
When I walked out of the closet I saw a foggy like creature crouched at my doorway. I couldn't make him out that good but I knew what he was.
It was the devil or a demon crouched like a gargoyle type stance at my doorway in the dark. I could see the horns. It was almost just like the demon from the movie passion of the christ the one Judas had seen, he had the eyes and teeth and such.
I looked away seeing if it would go away but it didn't he was still there.
I knew why. I knew why he was there for, he wanted to keep me, entrap me,
To steal me away from god. Which I didn't know if god still wanted me.

I got real angry, I was scared too,but it was like I was angry more, how dare he try to keep me from god. How dare he come near me.
There was no other lights but I could see him through the glow coming from the computer. It was the only light at all.
It was like something came over me, I started to snarl and bark like at him.
Trying to scare him away or something, I don't know what the heck I was doing.
It snarled back at me, and then I charged at him. Like I was going to kill him or something, I could see myself with a demon glowing like face charging at him then fading to my face, but I went right through him.
I started stumbling like I couldn't walk. I couldn't breath, I was losing my balance, All I could do was snarl like a dog as if barking, but I was gasping.
I was holding the door frame and I tried call to my mother to help me, but I couldn't, all I could do was bark and snarl like.
Mother wasn't there, nobody was, the house was empty and dark.
It was as if I were possessed, I tried to call for help, but in my heart I called for god, I was afraid he would turn his back on me like I have been doing to him.
I couldn't talk,its like a demon was inside of me. I was shaking, my jaw was tightening and tingling because I was straining to talk but I couldn't.
I was scared. I was scared at the fact that I had allowed to let the devil get inside me. I fell to the floor and shook violently, the demon was coming out but he didn't want to come out. Who was saving me? I knew.
The demon was trying his best to stay inside. Its like I could see him in his anger.
He was snarling, I was snarling. I could really feel myself snarling.

I woke up like a jolt, I felt numb and tingly all over, my head was really hot. My jaw was sore, my hands were curled into like claws. My heart was racing so fast I was afraid I had a heart attack in my sleep. I still couldn't breathe and was gasping.

But through all that I looked up and nodded and said ok god. ok.
I knew god had saved me in my dream, and I realized that I truly believed what it said in the bible about god never forsaking us. He had excorsied the devil out of me, and therefore I had nothing to fear.

I thanked god, even though I still did not feel our connection, I knew he been protecting me always, and he's been watching me always.

Well I better go back to sleep. I'm still in the bathroom writing this. I had to write this. I didn't want to sleep on it and not feel it in the morning.
I was scared, yet I was not. Its like I knew god was going to come to the rescue, yet I was afraid he would not.
I don't know how to explain this, my body feels a little weak. That dream was so quick and so real. Too real. I could feel myself snarling.





Yeah that was it. All day today Ive been telling god to keep satan away from me.
I dont ever ever want to have that feeling again.
When I got home I wept on my floor because I had allowed that to happen.
The funny thing is I don't think I haven't done anything bad, I just have been ignoring god mostly, but I'm the kind of person I guess who will always go back to god. I'll stray, but I always come back running, like a child to their parent.
I'm still a little freaked out by that dream, I didn't really want to sleep in my room, but it says to not fear evil, if god is with me who can be against me?
Its harder on people who are christians because once you have truly felt god's love and have had a connection, you see everything with different eyes, your aware that the devil is around you trying to lead you away from god.
OK I think your probably tired of reading now so yeah, that was my dream.
It woke me up in a sense, and I am definantley going to go to church tomorrow, not because of my dream but because I want to build our connection again, and get back on track.

Thanks for reading.