I went up to one of my friends cabins for about 4 and a half days and i was perfectly fine, until the 2nd to last day. I started feeling completely depressed. Like i just wanted to be left alone and just lay in bed doing nothing. But my bestfriend didnt let that happen and I thank her for that though she didnt know i was feeling that way. So when she was there i wasnt sad or depressed, but once i came home all those feelings came back so strong...i was bitter, sad, depressed and felt like breaking down, which i did for a second or two. I mean i even feel like it as i write every word of this. I dont understand it, these feelings are SO strong i cant control them, no matter how much i wish i could. Its just like unreal at how i can be so happy for half a day, come home, and be depressed and sad and unsure about life. I mean its gotten so bad i wanted to start up some bad habits again, but i dont allow myself. I just dont know how much longer i can handle it. I see my little sisters and i see how happy they are, then i come back home and i'm so mean to them, its like i see what i'm doing, but i just cant control how I am towards them or anyone else...
But the strange thing about it is one time when i was feeling like this, i asked my friend if he was ok. He said yea he was. and i asked him a few minutes later if he felt like he just wanted to break down. Strangely enough, thats how he felt. Exactly how he felt and he seemed kinda shocked since he never told me really how he was feeling. I dont know maybe i'm going on a limb here but i kinda think i feel what he feels sometimes. I mean i always wanted to be close to him, i always wanted to know how he really felt so maybe i got what i wanted?....but he's been kinda distant lately, like he doesnt wonna talk much, or at all...i'm sorta worried actually. But then again maybe its just me being crazy, or pranoid...idk....
This is just something thats been bothering me though...when i was up at the cabin, everyday i got ready to go somewhere i looked in one of the side mirrors by the bed and turned on the lap just under the mirror, when i did i looked at myself...but the person i saw wasnt me...it looked like me but also someone else. I know its strange but it's like my my face was the same. Same skin color, eye color, nose, ears, everything was the saem. But then i'd look at my reflection for a second and look it over closesly everytime. And everytime i did i looked different from how i looked in the mirror down the hall. The reflection i saw was my face looked slightly thinner and my collar bones stuck out, a lot. like i had an extreamly thin figure. When my hair was curly it looked less curly and more wavy which doesnt ever happen. And when it was straight my hair cut seemed to fit my face perfectly. Like idk it was weird. And when i looked at my eyes they seemed really really sad. Slightly lighter too. And its strange cause i dont see that person anymore since i came back home. And also i've been thinkin about abuse lately...dont ask me why i dont know. I've just been imaging getting abused by a guy, and what its like, how sad it would be, and just stuff like that...idk whats wrong, i see my old reflection again, but i still think about getting abused....
Well anyway the friend that i was talking about a few paragaphs up has a book coming out called The Kwiska Valley. You should go get it, it comes out really soon!! Help support him cause he's a great writter! You dont believe me? Go get it! Or read some of his poems here let me help you out =) Heres a poem from him, and my photography. (yyeeesss i made this =) i just took his poem and stuck it to my picture)
and i added this video just cause i like it. His names Justin Nozuka. He puts his heart and soul into his music, expecially this song. I mean he has so much power in his voice, and you can tell that he really does put himself into his music... I wonna be just like that one day...i want to be able to put my all into the songs i write, or poetry. I really dont belive in idols (except my mommy)...but when i heard him sing, i finally found my idol...
The first video is a song called "Save Him" and the 2nd is an interview with him. hah and if you ask me the interview makes him so much cuter in my eyes because of all of his creativity and wild dreams. =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0W3vkF-44gY
