Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I can't really decide if I'm proud to be alive or sick of my petty life. My grandparents have been making me feel stupid all week and I'm all sad and trying to cry as I write this but I somehow forgot how, so I can't...

And then I'm with my friends and I'm happy. I go around being my lovey-doggy self. I can even whimper like a dog. But nobody in my group would go out with me. That's what I wish I had: someone I can hug and kiss and not feel awkward about it. That probably isn't quite what a girlfriend is for, but it's what I wish I had.

And then there's times when I'm playing guitar. Trying to solo and write riffs, to no use because it's becoming a lost cause. Everytime I played, I'd get a happy feeling of some kind. Now, sadly, I feel empty. Like I'm just.... playing guitar. I'm not playing guitar, I'm just playing to improve. Did that make any sense?

I pick it up and play, but I don't really care anymore. I know this is High School and I'm supposed to figure out who I am. But I'm becoming something I don't want. I'm a love-obsessed lonely guy that can't land a date for his life. That's not who I wanna be: I wanna be a headbanging rocker with a mullet, a band, and awesome looks.

But when I'm by myself, all I think about is how much I want someone I can be romantic with, but nobody that I would go for would go for me.... And I'm probably horrible at kissing and at sex. Plus, I don't think I'm ready for sex....

I becoming something I didn't want to be. I'm becoming this because of what I lack. I'm not enjoying what I want to be, but I want to be that regardless.... Which way am I going? I see two paths but there's no light at the end of either tunnel. I can't keep switching back and forth.

One second I'm depressed and lonely, the next I wanna play guitar, put on white shoes, play through a big amp, and have a party. I gotta figure out which way I'm going before high school is over. I'm supposed to figure out who I am, but I can't... There's someone I naturally am and someone I've been my whole life. I think I need to see a therapist....