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Summer. Why did summer move so quickly at first? Now I wish it were longer. I'm still a little heartbroken, what with my first love graduating and all, but it's my fault anyway. I was careless and let him go. By the time I decided my feelings for him, he was gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye, or "don't get lost", something I always told my friends before they left. Friends...
I'm better now, though. You learn things, going through stuff like that, and thinking about it without all the extra stress over summer break. And it was insanely painful, remembering how he might have known that I liked him, and the fact that I reacted stupidly to it. The moment Veronica made it obvious, I couldn't face him anymore, so I avoided eye contact and went on admiring from afar, like always.
I think that the joy in having a crush is just being able to see them everyday, regardless of whether or not they care about you. At least, that was my joy. I hadn't even thought about saying anything as long as he was still there, and I could go on with pathetic attempts to get his attention, whether it be talking louder whenever I passed him at lunch or pulling crazy stunts like pacing on one foot on a brick wall or carrying Ashley around against her will. It was all so stupid and probably had no effect, but I had fun.
I've always thought junior year was going to be better. Better classes, easier subjects. But in exchange for the daily happiness, life has to take away something precious from you, and sends him off to college. I would've rather repeated a miserable Sophomore year than go two years without seeing him everyday. But I'm still working hard and trying to be strong.
But it's because it was so painful that I never want to feel that way again. I've changed my ways of thinking and decided to never date. I may change my mind one day, but I think I'd be happiest this way. Breaking up with someone is like getting married and divorced over and over again. I hope to find the one God chose for me through friendship. Should I ever have strong feelings for a friend, then I can get to know them better without the awkwardness of a relationship. Of course, this is flawed in some ways, but easier. Although, it's questionable by the church. It may sound a little corny, but I was inspired by an all-female band, Barlowgirl. This is their way of thinking, and I've found it to be effective and admirable.
I hope I can work hard to achieve the goals I have set, and I'm praying that I'll be able to be strong enough to handle the years before I can get that far.