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One year older but not a day wiser lol. Yestersay was someone very special to me's birthday. He may not realize it but I'ven ever forgotten his birthday and I never will. I never forgot our monthly anniversary either. So it's his birthday, 19 years of life. 19 years and what has he done with it? He's done a lot and yet so little. He's helped create a beautiful life. Our child. He's made it through school, even though he hasn't done much else. I think about him often and wonder what the future holds for us. Where will we both be in another year? In 5 years? My birthday will be here soon. I wonder if he remembers. Will he call or give me a gift? The only gift I want is for my son to come home fo good. My life seems so incomplete without my little boy's shining face looking up at me everyday. So 19.....Wow. Survived a whole year of adulthood. How does it feel to be a grown up? Not so easy, is it? Not like we had hoped. Still living with your parents. Still trapped in this little place with no freedom. I know my other journals can be conflicting and confusing. Do I love him or do I hate him? Both I suppose. I love him still but hate his behavior. Why is it after so long I still love him? Why is it that after alll the pain he's caused me do I still call and wish him a happy birthday? He never wished me a happy birthday last year. So why do I bother? Does he deserve it? I don't know. I feel like he does. No matter how cruel he is or how selfish, I will still be here for him. When no one else remembers his birthday or cares about how he's doing, I'll be here to give him a call. I wrote a poem for him. We use to do that. Poems for special occassions. Well, here it is.



As days slip away like raindrops
As time flies by and suddenly life stops
We age and we fade out into the night
It cannot last, our burning light
What can we do, my dearest?
To make this short time the best
How can we make our mark in history?
How will we end this short story?
Oh love, lets make this last.
Look toward the future, escape the past.
Shine like the star you are.
One day I know you will go far.
I'll be here to catch you
And keep your desires true
Grow and grow my heart
Even in Death you shall not part
Be remembered til nevermore
Take wing and let your life soar.