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Hey there, my name is Jen, short for Jennifer. I'm a second year college student, majoring in who knows what. I hope that in the Graphic Design program I'll find some part of me. I like to think that I am really childish and most people would agree. Along with that, I have a whimsical nature so naturally, I am really hard to control and keep up with.

A lot of people would argue that I'm not really nineteen. Personally I think I'm more like 18. I like to think a year behind and a day forward, as if I even know what I mean by that. Sometimes I just need to say things because they should be said, like I said whimsical. I'm at my worst on nights where the moon is out. It's the best kind of rush, being able to look up into the sky and see that giant spherical being shining down on us. It just fills me with this warmth that I can only equate to a bucket of ice cubes or swimming in the ocean in the middle of the winter.

My favorite foods are vegetables. I'm not a vegetarian but I am a strong advocate for veggies, known to force feed friends veggies from time to time. There are a couple foods I won't eat like brussel sprouts, radishes, kettle corn, and cornmeal. Generally though I like all food; I just don't enjoy some as much as others or in the case of some, I rarely eat at all like beef. I like to know that my food comes from farms, which makes me think that one day I'd love to live in the country. Just because I like fresh food doesn't mean I don't like my share of sweets too. My favorite of all time sweets are candy canes. Next in line are probably Magic Cookie Bars then Shocktarts. I used to be addicted to caffeine so I am not too fond of soda, most of the time. But while I'm on that subject, I'm just going to put this out there: Dr. Pepper is the best soda. Period. End of discussion.

I'm sure you can guess that I really like to cook and bake. That's not all I like to do for fun though. I play video games frequently, mostly just easy girly games like Kingdom Hearts and Soul Calibur or Legend of Zelda. I own a PS2 and gamecube in my apartment but back home we have a Nintendo 64, Wii and another gamecube. My brother wouldn't let me have the old gamecube >[ As strange as it may sound, we are really good friends but I'll get into that later. We have a strong influence on each other ergo my passion for video games and his taste in music. I find a lot of music on my own but he doesn't like most of the stuff. Doesn't matter as long as I like it and can shake my a** to the beat. I usually dance while walking somewhere or I'll make a special excuse to go outside to dance. I don't think you should contain something like that in your room, you should show your heart to the world when you feel it so strongly.

I suppose I live and love so strongly because I've always been scared. I've never really faced my fears. I've been scared that my imagination would overtake me, that I'd be left alone, and that I'd never be loved. Of course if you think about them enough they'll come true. Naturally, the opposite must be true so I have to pour my heart out to make the best come true. I've found my own way to fight my fears though it is still indirect. I write and draw. Usually I draw my own characters but every now and then I draw my friends. I have made my own characters based off of them and myself of course. I use both my writings and drawing to shard off pieces of life to better understand them. As a part I can understand the whole. Otherwise, the whole is too overwhelming and I get swept away. Besides that, I've never been any good at finishing things I start. In a way, these imperfections and incomplete things reflect my own self.

I think I'm better left incomplete. This way I can always improve. I will always change. I will always love, hate, and cry without any end because every day will be a beginning. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am today. In high school and my last years of Junior High, I struggled with depression. I had a hard time fitting in with any crowd, even in volleyball. The only thing I could see myself being good at was being in school so I loved school, despite the stupid rules and disease it spread to all its students. Of course, I wasn't really alone. I had my friends Christy and Andrea, who I had been friends with since forever and still am best buddies with. The closet people to your heart though, seem the farthest away when you are hurting. High school only made it worse since I went away from them. Graduation dance night in Junior High, knowing that we would all be parted, I cried in the arms of my best buddy.

High school was for a while the worst time of my life, sitting by a locker and doing homework but never really doing well in school despite the dedication. Even volleyball held no hopes for a change, the girls were all super girly and preppy. Joining the anime club helped change my life. I met some girls who referred me to some other girls and a year later I was part of a posse. We claimed an area to ourselves and wouldn't you know it we still had those steps even after I left the school. We gained many more friends as the years went on but the darkness in my heart didn't get filled, despite the number of friends. I was suicidal for two years, for a week my third year of high school I threatened to kill myself. It was unfair but I relied heavily on all my new friends. My sisterly friend at the time tried to lift my spirits but all she could do was watch. Seeing now what we had been though, I wish I could have passed on my gratitude. But, as I have learned, not all things are forever.

I transferred high school my last semester of senior year but more importantly, I lost all those friends. Before changing schools I started dating my sisterly best friend and things went well until boys. Still confused and insecure, I chose to explore and I was scared. I didn't want to be wrong to her and more importantly, I didn't want to be wrong to myself. In hurting her, I hurt all the other people I knew. A chain reaction set off and everyone broke off their friendships with me one by one, which was a totally new thing for me. Up until that point, I had never lost a friend. Maybe a friend had moved away when I was little or we never saw each other for some other unspoken reason but never, had I ever lost a conscious friend. Now I've lost several but it's kinda funny. I haven't changed the way I view friendship as an eternal bond between hearts.

Even though we're not friends, I will always remember them and always love them. Even if we broke apart on bad terms, love will overpower all. More importantly, I am grateful to all of them. Each of them taught me something new. Alexis taught me how to listen and control over myself. Katherine taught me how to let go and communication, more importantly not share yourself completely but over time. Jacqueline taught me patience and never ending love. Each important lesson I hold close to my heart forever, as pieces to a broken heart and growing person.

Friends are like family but they can never truly replace family. It's only been recently that I've been able to appreciate my family. I've always been plagued by the gratitude and never really known how to repay them. I think I can start by giving myself a chance to do life the best way I can and maybe another step is in loving them more. My Dad and I share so much in common that he's the easiest to love. He loves a lot of the same music and knows a lot about computers. When I go home, we take motorcycle rides together and he treats me like a Princess, making me special treats be in sweets or drinks and takes me out special places. My mother is the real challenge. We don't really get along most days. She loves to shop and can't be inside too long but we find our middle ground. Being apart definitely helps with our relationship since we're not always at each other's necks. The short time we spend together now is so precious to me. We both love cats and to cook. We play volleyball together, with her persevering determination to get me out.

Don't get me wrong here, I love both my parents but my brother is my favorite member of my family. We used to play instruments when we were younger and even though he hated me since I got all the praise and he all the blame, he would cover for me so that I could play video games and goof off. He is my knight in shining armor in a way. He shows me new books and tries to impress me with his new skills he has been practicing or stories from his work. And maybe it's because he is the perfect knight that I hate gentlemen so much. It's funny though because he is so not a knight at the same time. He knows that girls love him and that he likes some girls but never really makes a move. He has such a dark side but his humor makes light of everything he says or touches. Then again, I tend to only see the good in people.

Everyone has the light and dark sides, in fact I would argue everything has this side as well. As hard as I try, I can't put both sides together. Even in my own perception of myself, I have to rely on 12 different parts to see a whole. When I think of a guy, I'm the same way. I can't pin point specifics. I know the feeling but never the words. It's the whole ocean of inaudible feeling and desires that rush over me now as I attempt to explain it. But I can't.

I can only hope that in getting to know me better you can feel it yourself. Maybe I'm only imagining but I feel like you already know it...