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October is the worst month. I love fall but, October I hate. I like Halloween and all but... something about this month uneases me year after year after year. Ironically, it is the time of the year I best remember my old past. I cannot remember High school nearly at all but I can remember Junior High and Grade school and such very well during this time. I remember High school especially well around February and March. I think January is a little early but still good time for me to remember.

Hmm, I thought for some chuckle factor since I privated the last two entries, I would share some very embarrassing facts about me or very personal information:

--I have s**t myself at least twice. Both times were at volleyball practice when I was about 16 (sophomore year of Club). They were two separate practices too XD It was so embarrassing. You know how it is when you can't tell whether it's a fart or not?

--My most embarrassing moment was getting stuck in my pants when I was in sixth grade. I thought I could take my pants off with my shoes on to save time.... never again. Jeans don't like shoes. Anyway the girls from the next period ended up helping me outta my pants and having never been late to a class before, I ran into the classroom and announced I had gotten stuck in my pants. The guy I liked at the time was in that class too >.< There was a sub so she was kinda pissed cause she thought I was trying to be funny... yea... right.

--The worst nightmares I have ever had were during High school. I dreamt a dream so real of getting out of bed and going to the bathroom but then in the dream, when I was leaving half asleep the door wouldn't open to go out. This is common in our house with sticky doors so I try to pull it but it won't come then all of a sudden it opens and there is someone there. My eyes get wide and the door is slammed into my face. When I woke up I was in my bed... and I couldn't tell if it had been a dream or not so I paniced about how I got back to bed. The feeling was so real of being raped that I hid in my bed, shaking uncontrollably for at least an hour. I cried and wouldn't move or make a sound. The second worst was a dream that was as exciting as terrifying. A gang pulled up to our house and looked into the window of my room, having seen it was a girl they went to the front door and busted in. Meanwhile another gang went in through the backyard. They met up and argued about who would get what. I could hear them go to the other rooms and then my door opened. I think I woke up then... I don't really want to remember. All I know is that I had the same reaction except less severe shaking. I just trembled I suppose.

--When I get scared my whole body shakes uncontrollably and I can't speak

--I got really high off of Caffeine in sixth grade. I had about ten or so sodas in a short period of time, Orange soda might I add. I was so mad that I couldn't sleep because of our neighbor's party that I threw a piece of cake over the fence and into their pool. They got mad instantly. I blamed it on the dog. Imagine, the dog.... throwing a cake... Tch. Of course they came over just as my parents got back and I still lied. Everyone defended me then my parents found out shortly after I had lied. They were pissed beyond reason, thus the witch hunt for my lies. Heh, but now I'm such a great liar because of it.

--I'm scared of having sex and sometimes, I wonder if it would have been better if I just let them ******** me while I had the chance. I mean... there must be something wrong with me. Ha...ha. At least I would have the nerve to explore my sexuality and find out if I had been plowed. Maybe then I would loosen up too...

--I'm very flitty when it comes to romance. In grade school I would like eight guys at once. Poor Christy had to deal with such a twit like me... and then it narrowed down to three in Jr. High. I can still remember most of the guys and the reasons. In grade school it was (that tall guy who sat near us in 5th grade-I wanna say Travis), Greg G., Blake C., Colin H., Mason M., Tyler B., Brandon (I think his last name started with a J), and Jordan J. I think that's all of them from 5th grade. In Fourth grade I didn't like Jprdan J. or (that tall guy who sat near us in 5th grade-I wanna say Travis). I liked Kyosuke (I think that's his name, anyway he was the Japanese boy who I got to help). Basically, I liked the bad boys. There are a few good guys in there like Colin, who was a jester but much softer than the others. I got along with his sister in the Adventure Camp after school and I think we knew each other from soccer too? Greg was like a far off dream because I never had classes with him but boy, he was charismatic. He seemed to be really popular back then and played football. Blake, well what do I need to say? >w< He was one of the best. He was a bad boy and had an adorable sister too. I challenged him to rock climbing once and won. For some reason that really sticks with me. Lawlz. Mason...-sigh- I don't really know anyone who thought he was a bad guy. He was sweet, sweet, .... basically everything a girl could want and more. I thought he like Andrea or Andrea like him. Haha! I didn't really like Jordan J. that much. It was more of a curiousity back then. He was really active and smart but had a different softer more secretive charm than Mason. Brandon and Tyler were both those bad boys. They were amoung the really bad ones with Blake. I thought Blake had a softer side underneath it all though, which set him above them. Brandon also seemed to have that quality but... he was harder to see it in. Tyler intimidated me, which is a strange feeling. He was popular thanks to his humor and vulgar knowledge. His nickname was T. Bone. They would always joke Boner and such... I didn't know what it meant >.< Honest. DX
In Junior High, I really like Travis, Brandon B. and Ryan. During the last half of the year, I got into Michael. I really liked to tease Ryan and Travis. I kinda want to cry now because I can remember how happy I was. We hid their rock god, I would tease them in track, I taunted them with my "dairy" during lunch recess... the memories are so sweet. And the morning libraries. Haha! They got in trouble for banging on the windows when we hid in there once. They were thus banned from the library for a while XD Haha! Man, those were the times. I think Christy knew the entire time... Haha!

--I like to sleep nude the best. Of course, nude to me means wearing underwear. I would almost NEVER take off my panties for the night. The nightmares are too intense for that sort of thing. Haha! That and it feels weird...

--I have had feelings for members of my family. I was attracted to my cousins but DAMN have you seen my cousins? They are like goodness rolled into a package, don't get me wrong... I'm not attracted to them anymore but I still think they are gorgeous! Haha!

--The worst breakdown I have ever had was during a tournament with my volleyball club CBA. We were in Vegas and my coach was telling me I had to smile and step it up. My Dad meanwhile was demanding I do whatever he asked so that I would play. He was getting frustrated I wasn't being played at all. I think we had been a little late to the first game of the day? Anyway, while warming up my mind went loose. I couldn't see any way out. I paniced worse than ever ever than ever. I cried huffs and puffs inbetween passes in warm-up and teammates looked at me scared. I talked to myself trying to rationalize it all. I kept asking what to do then my Dad got really mad when I wasn't pulling it together and as the game started I broke. I held me head in my hands and shook back and forth, muttering "I gotta run away gotta get away." I lost all time and then I felt my Dad hold me. He held me until I calmed down on the bench. Apparently everyone else heard "I wanna die" or something like that. STUPID BITCHES! I was serious about wanting to run away. I had gone through all the thoughts then and there and willing to just run with nothing and starve because I was so low.

--I have thought of running away multiple times but only actually run away once. I used to think if I wanted to run away I could hide in our fort or the creek. I wanted to go to Andrea's since she lived so close but I knew I would be caught. The one time I got away was during a camping trip. They accused me of cheating when I won a game of Spoons. The loser had to walk around and act like a pig. They kept teasing me so I ran. I ran to the entrance to the camp area and hid near the road. I sat there in the dead on night with the bugs for a while. I could hear them searching for me and stopped breathing but they never came out as far as me. I thought of walking on and away but gave up and went back to them when my legs began to get numb. Haha!

--Junior High was probably the happiest time of my life. I loved selling the lolipops for volleyball. I always sold the most. I T.A'd for my Spanish teacher who also taught Social Studies, Mr. Tagert. He was a perv and treated all the other girls better than me even though I did all the work. I got to spend everyday with Andrea and Christy and Michael and Lindsay, who I hated XD Haha! Omg, and the expired yogurts I would bring to school XD and drawing... oh those were bad. Haha! I remember the manga at the time too. Hahaa. <.> But I also remember slapping Zach L. so hard he got really pissed off. I didn't understand till it was over then it was like TOTAL GUILT TRIP. Ugh... And I remember breaking my backpack, rolling Andrea to school. Lol. And making Christy late for school because we were playing in the rain. I remember jumping for the monkey bars and then falling flat on my back with the wind knocked outta me. I remember running that Gdamn 2 mile or one and a half mile. DX Ugh. I would tell stories while we ran the mile but during the Mile and a half I couldn't. I remember envying all the girls who would dance during the dances, all the popular girls. I remember the Oregon Trail game and the Raptor game. Lol and the cutter in the library where we made Giant posters XD or just wasted paper. And the books. Oh, the books. Christy read the mythology books in there XD Haha! Andrea had almost read all the young adult fiction from the libraries then... I was always in awe at that.

--My favorite of all the friends' houses I went to was Christy's second house. The one where you could walk to a school with a playground. The house itself had a small kitchen area that was comfortable and a sofa that had one end that suck out. I remember staying up to watch Fruitsbasket subbed and then bawling while she slept. I remember popping balloons with darts in the backyard for one of her birthdays. She would get mad at me cause we would get honked at by creepy truckers if we walked on the street. Haha! I think we even had water balloons there once.

--I'm scared of the dark ironically. I love the night and the moon but if I am surrounded by darkness I fly into a panic. I start to imagine water all around me or something moving. I don't like closing my eyes for long for that reason.

--My house has spirits in it. It's not "haunted" but it has spirits that live there or go there. In my room a doctor and child. In my parents' bedroom I imagine wolves because of their dresser but really there is only a depressed woman in there. My brother's room doesn't have anything or anyone anymore, as far as I know. I think the woman goes in there from time to time but never stays, only lingers in the door frame. The computer room is the worst. I don't want to talk about it.

--I'm such a pack rat that I have old spelling test and math tests from grade school. Haha! Something silly for myself was a promise I wrote in fourth grade about my future husband. Ha! It wanted me to give him a test about a few of my favorite things then listed off traits. Silly me...

--I drew naked ladies on my phonebook as a kid and was so embarrassed and ashamed that I tore out the pages and threw it away.

--When my cousins would come over for a playdate over at our house, we would play house downstairs. We would make a fort and the boys would want to play house. My brother would always be a hedgehog. Haha! Adam would kiss up to me and be a puppy or hedgehog too. Jake would be one too. I would be the mommy and Adam would keep cuddling with me. Jake and Dan would be more adventurous and then Adam would pull away and be the leader. If they ever ganged up on me I would attack them with my cotton candy perfume. LAWLZ! They hated that stuff!