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cowardice

She's a lowly being,
eating at my soul.
She enjoys the lust--
both sexual and carnal.
I fight her with
"just alright"
"be okay"
and "tomorrow is a new day"
but she lingers on,
hiding in the darkness of my mind.

Feh, I've got a new character. Not so thrilled about her. Sure, she'll have different kinds of poses and expressions or little changeable pieces but.... she's probably the most destructive of all of them to my well being.

I tried to make a comic about her and how I felt and I kept getting in my own way. I don't really know how to vent about her, which is why I've still got such emotions squatting inside of me. The other issue is that they're not all about her. There are things surrounding sexuality and pressure to do well that interfere with other expressions. It's like they all want their own spin off show but they're not powerful enough to do just that. When I tried to write about our high school past, it became muddied with these impulses to change things and express myself differently. I'm not sure I want that.

And in the end, I'm not sure these girls really are just for me. Maybe I created them so I could deal with the separation of friends again. I knew what it would be like from separating at Junior High and maybe I didn't want to go through that again. Only, when they rejected me completely, they became real instead of just imaginary friends to keep me going. I needed something to keep me alive and I used my own imagination. They grew from the pain that became real... so then the solution would be to make new friends, no?

I don't want to say goodbye tho...