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I put the memories to paper, not all of them but most. And in doing so, I've taken your power away from you. You can't hurt me as much as you had been... not anymore. You don't have anymore memories to use against me. I doubt you know how much power you did have over me... I would tell you if I could. I think I did, with that cd. But you haven't said anything about it. For all I know you could have burned it and broken it and everything would still be the same. I hate you at the same time as still liking you. I'm sure it will get better once I talk to you. Who knows what could happen. I'm saving my free ice cream for that day. The big "******** you a*****e" day.

Work has been slow. I'm supposed to be playing poke'mon but I'm kinda bored. I WANT A GOOD WATER POKE'MON >/ All the stupid ones are at the beginning and I WANT MY DAMN WATER POKE'MONZ! D< I might even go so far as to trade tonight so I can get one... >/ so frustrated with it. I WANT ONE. I WANT ONE!

[/ sigh] My brother might be playing a solo tonight at the show. I'm driving his friends right after work. Who knows how this night will go...

I'm just ******** rattled. I've been rattled for like a month now. The nurse just told me "suck it up" and wait another three weeks. So... that means 3 more weeks of PMS'ing and I'm totally at the bottom of my well already. The stupid boyfriend drama just... ******** me up. It's not even that he's done anything wrong or that I have... it's just we're not talking right now and it's especially bothering me cause I'm PMS'ing and I want his support. I want his support. ********, now I'm crying at work.

********.

I just, want to share this and everything else. My brother is going away for the rest of the summer. My Dad talked to me about alters. I... I erased the newer alters. I'm lonely. My best friend has already gone home to UC Irvine. I'm going back to San Fran in 4 weeks. I want to see him and I don't trust him to make plans before I leave. I don't trust him to support me the way I need him. I trust him to be faithful and dedicated. I trust that he truly does like me and I really do believe that he's just caught up in life which is why he hasn't been talking to me. I trust all that. I just, don't trust him to be a man for me.

And you know what, ever since I met him... my perception of myself has improved. He has been good for me. As long as my a**, hair, face, and boobs are good... I'm good. I don't worry as much about my weight. It's... a really good thing. =w=

I feel like he's just dealing with me how he would want to be dealt with but that's not what I need. I need randomness. Random love and gifts or activities. I need planning every now and then so I don't feel in charge all the time. I need questions sicne I fall deep and hard. I need to feel that if I tried to run, he would know where to find me. Right now, he wouldn't know the first place to ******** look. My friends do. By now, they've figured out most of this stuff. Dev plans stuff and forces me out of the house, even if it means just sitting with her for the day. She might even call my brother or search the creek if I was to go missing. I have faith in her.

It's taken sdo long for them, maybe I just need to relax and give him time. I mean, I wouldn't know where to search. I have an idea but not a set place. I know his friends and this one place the seems to shine in the memories... like he would go there and just lay in the grass to hide... feels like what he would do... just, lay in the grass.

******** stupid girly daydreams. At least they practice creativity and originallity. They definately challenge me. Everytime they are different and most everytime I get so into it, I lose an hour of work... which is a good thing. Lol. Ugh. I want to be mad but now I'm all dreamy. Fu. Fu fu fu!