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I can't tell whether it would be not fighting for her or not arguing to let her decide on her own. I don't know if I could explain the way I've been acting because things are so connected and emotional. I hate to yell and yet, my emotions scream at me to do so to get my point across. It's like, all the pain that I put up with recently... so much of it has been her fault. And... well, she doesn't even know. Either that or she told herself that it was fine. But it wasn't. It wasn't okay. And it still isn't. I have apologized over and over again but I still haven't heard her apology. Where is it?

I took a hike today... have I said how much I hate hiking? I do. And ever since this last weekend where I told my mom about all my ******** depression s**t, she's nagged me non-stop (literally) that "exercise will make you feel better" =____= for me it doesn't. Yet, it's her ******** go-to phrase that she uses over and over without trying to understand me. Today she asked "well, what do you like then Jen?" wow, mother... you don't even know that... huh. Well just shows you how much I talk to you. ********.

It's been really hot lately and I keep thinking about swimming. How much I haven't been able to and how much I want to but can't without the hassle and s**t of dealing with the ******** blood. I'm tired. Tired of this. Tired of everything.

Last night I stood over my toilet, ready to vomit because I was so sick to my stomach. I was a monster. I had not only the stress of what had happened with Roku but also my stupid idiotic mind reeling away, searching for razors. I went through all the drawers, clutching my stomach as it lurched with disgust of my actions. I had a physical reaction to my desperation. Aren't I just wonderful? I still wonder what I did with all the razors and if I saved any razorblades at all. I know that I go back and forth with enjoyment and hatred of the depression crap so in one of those long term hatreds I could have rid the house of all masochistic devises. [/ sigh] It would have helped.

I was stupid to try to call my friend. She had work today and I called anyway. I wanted to make a change to our agreement. I wanted to cut myself in exchange for taking medication for the next year. I would have made the deal and gone through with it. But really, when I think about it now... it seems really stupid.

I'm not being heard again. I'm being ignored. I keep thinking about closing it. I really do. Considering it. Everyone would be upset and they could just copy paste everything if they wanted... they could live without me. I could try to act out against them but it would only be childish. There's nothing I can really do to make them hear me. I'm weak and useless. They say they love me and appreciate me, but really, they're just using me. I'm just an internet friend. I'm just a moderator. Someone who makes them posts, who entertains them and keeps them company. I'm not their friend and I'm certainly not loved by them.

I want to give up.